The House of Flying Monkeys

… but they seemed so normal…

Wisdom from Unlikely Sources

Today’s Thoughtful Thought:

Tupac

 

 

I’ve posted this before but with everything going on now I think it’s more applicable today.  Just leave them laying baby… move on.

 

Thanks Tupac… miss you man.

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Talking It Out…

So… yeah… last post? A bit raw.  Sorry.  No warning on that one.  Just needed to start talking about what we’re going through.  Because the whole “not talking about it” thing? Well that just wasn’t working out for me.  For either of us actually.  While Bob might be okay with it, I am not the type that suffers in silence.

Um, no.

So I started talking.  And now I’m doing it again.  Because you know, I think I’m a little angry right now.  And this is a good spot for me to voice that.  Let that out.  Give myself permission to be angry.  And let it go.

(cue chorus of most. annoying. song. ever.)

I am angry.  Very angry.  This year was not supposed to be like this.  This year was supposed to be about us.  What we want. What we need.  And it isn’t.  Not at all.  And it’s not likely to change any time soon.  And I am angry.

Very angry.

We’ve needed the year we had planned for a very long time.  A year of introspection, working on us, doing what we need to make us better.  It’s easy for that stuff to get lost in the busyness that daily life brings.  But we had decided to recalibrate and make the effort to refind ourselves.  To work on us.  After we had worked on our diet, our exercise, education… this was our time.

But it’s not.

Instead we’re dealing with this other whole mess.  This mess that will not be resolved anytime soon.  This mess that has us physically apart, and mentally connected via texts/calls/Facebook posts.  Totally not the same thing.  Trust me.  And we’re trying to figure out the rules to this new paradigm because apparently living in a small town creates another angle to this story that neither of us had taken the time to consider.  The PR of being separated but not separating.  Because while my emotional life is a mess, my actual life is going on.  I do the same things I did before Bob left.  I go out with friends for dinner, for drinks, for dancing. I go to the gym.  I walk the dog.  I go shopping.

My life has not changed.

But apparently it was supposed to?  Because there’s been rumors and things that have gotten to my ears that there’s talk.  That it doesn’t look like I’m very unhappy.  That I appear to be doing just fine.  Because I’m not wearing black and wailing as I walk about downtown?  Oh really?  Well let me be blunt in my answer to whomever might be saying or thinking that about me… f*?k you.

Yes, you. F*$k you.

There, I feel so much better.  Now if you’ll excuse me… I think I have a bright colored dress to put on and some dancing to do.  And Bob is pretty sure he’s going running tomorrow, eating dinner out whenever he wants, and (quelle horror!) he might even go to a movie and read a few books while he’s dealing with something no one can even imagine.   Because that’s what we both need to do – let our lives go on as normally as we can while we’re living through wartime.  Life goes on.  We’re living it the best we can.  And we know our truth…

You do not.

Oh, and if you see me at Pigfest this weekend please wave but you really need to just keep walking.  I’ll be having a drink and some laughs with friends. And I’m reasonably sure you’re not in that number. Life goes on.  Even if you choose not to live it.

I’m living.

F*$k you.

Life During Wartime…

I think I’ve been separated since 2014… no, wait, I have… wow.  Who’da thunk that?

After all the travel in the Fall and Holiday season of ’14, our plan as a couple was to reunite and tackle 2015 and our list of goals and challenges for the year together.  No more alone time, no more separations, just us again… because neither of us were particularly happy with that situation, even though we both understood the reasons.

For the record? God laughs when you start making plans.  Loudly.  Because if you’re a friend on Facebook then you already know that our household is currently ripped apart, again, and this time it may be a while before we’re back in the same state, let alone same house.  Because while I came home from my trip rested and refreshed, Bob came home with the knowledge that there were serious health concerns with his Mother and caregiving was needed ASAP.  And at the airport, when I went to pick him up on January 4th, he told me this, and he told me he was volunteering to take this on.  For however long it takes.  Because that’s what his Mom did for him.

And I understand.

But a week later he was gone, and I’ve been alone ever since.  Alone again.  With all those challenges for 2015 staring me down, and no partner to help me sort them out.  Of course the problems he has out there were and are so all-consuming that I just don’t feel right about sharing all the silly and ridiculous shit I’ve got going on with him.  But for me this is like losing my other brain.  My sounding board.  I am constantly providing support and reassurance to him, but I’m trying to remain self-contained and keep my fears, worries, and concerns to myself. And yes, I know I sound like I’m whining.  I am in fact doing exactly that.  Because I’m allowed.  Because I can.

This is hard y’all.

I realized the other day that I’ve been married/living with someone for most of the last 20 years.  I never thought of myself as the type who needed someone around.  In fact, for a long time I’ve prided myself on not being one of those women.  I was lying. And the thing I struggle with the most?  The thing that’s the hardest?  That thing is someone just being present.  Someone to talk to.  Someone to argue with.  Someone’s weight on the other side of the bed, even if I don’t reach out and touch them.  Someone to just be there.

I miss that.

And for those of you keeping score at home, no, we’re not having any out-of-the-ordinary marital difficulties, beyond our usual “did you really just eat an Everything bagel on my clean countertop and not wipe up any of the crumbs?” level of crap anyway.  And I think those issues will likely continue until one of us (I’m looking at you Bob) can no longer eat Bagels, or any other solid food for that matter.  But I can tell you that even if a relationship is rock solid, this is hard shit.  Because every day I’m alone is another day that no one is there for me or him.  And it’s another opportunity for me to make yet another minute adjustment toward a solitary life.  A life that we got by default, and that I resent even as I embrace it ever reluctantly.

This is hard.

I’m angry but I’m conflicted because I would do the same thing.  Even if I resent the hell out of his sense of duty and love.  I know this will pass but I just want this to be over, even if I’m not sure it ever will end.  And even as I simultaneously learn that there are things about being alone that aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be.

All of that… at once.

So keep us in your thoughts.  Growing older is not for the faint of heart.  We’re struggling with it.  I keep looking at my wrist and the two twin bracelets there that say “It Is What It Is” and “Everything Happens for a Reason” and I know these words are true.  I just know that there are times when I don’t like accepting them, and now is one of those times.

Now.

So this is Christmas…

The spirit has been hard to find this year. Too busy, too rushed, too much going on, too too too… yeah. That. Not sure what the true “Big Bad” is for me, lots of changes happening but I don’t think that’s it. It’s just a different holiday, from our lack of a tree to traveling 2 weeks before the celebration. It’s just elusive for me. Like it’s hiding and I don’t know where to find it and I don’t have time to look. But today I’m taking a moment to remember. To think. To just be Christmas. Because I really need some Christmas. Right this very minute. I really need to just get back in touch with me.

To. Just. Be.

And while I’m doing this thing. While I’m being. I want to take a moment and wish everyone in our lives the happiest of Christmases and the best 2015 it’s possible to have. Even though we don’t say so every day, because it’s Christmas and at Christmas you always tell the truth, please know that your friendship and love is the gift we celebrate every day and we’re glad you’re a part of our lives.

So today, do me this favor. Take your own moment from the rush and crazy. Pause for just a second. Look around and consider and remember. Because Christmas is so much more than gifts, decorations, parties, and food. To quote the Grinch, “Christmas it seems is so very much more.” It’s in the memories of people and Christmases long gone. It’s in the sound of carols, sung off-key, by people who just want to share their love, even if it’s imperfectly done. It’s in the excited smiles of children who just can’t wait to see what’s going to be under that tree tomorrow morning.

Christmas… it seems… is everywhere. If you look for it that is. But the one place you need to find it is in your heart.

Feel it in your heart, and just be Christmas.

Just be enough.

Just be.

Christmas.

Been a While…

Yeah… I guess… a minute or two anyway.  What can I say? Been busy?  Yeah, busy… that’s an understatement.  Making dreams come true takes a lot of work kids.  Lots and lots.  And so much attention must be paid… that too.  So “me time” on here has been a scarce commodity.  So much I’ve wanted to write, so many things I’ve wanted to work through in words, but no time to do so.  So I’m writing in my head and neglecting this thing.

Life?  It’s good.  Okay… better than good.  Actually it’s damned near perfect these days.  Yes, I got the dream job.  Finally after 8 years of trying I’ve managed to make a total sea change in my career, into a field that didn’t even exist when I first started college way back in ’82.  When I went back to school in ’10 this was my plan.  I didn’t know exactly how I was going to make it happen but I knew it would.  I had faith.  And, hey!  Imagine that!  It did.  And it’s perfect… just like I planned… and I love it.  Simply put… my work is every thing I dreamed it would be, working with people I really like and respect, and I cannot imagine doing anything else.   And for those of you playing along at home… I do miss my IZEA family… I miss the energy, the forward motion, the feeling of being a part of something on the verge of being huge.  But because of this thing I do, this social media world I’m wired into like a native, I’ve not really left them.  Amazingly enough there were people there who played a huge part in helping me to move into this new role.  For which I will forever be grateful.  That kind of support and care is hard to find these days.

I am so lucky.  So very very lucky.

But anyway, there’s the update.  Life is good.  Blah blah blah.  Here comes the holidays… hope yours are spectacular.  Ours?  Who knows.  But no matter what… it’s still good.

Words To Live By

 Sometimes (actually most of the time) life also teaches you that you don’t even know the questions and that, in fact, you didn’t study for this particular test you got handed because you expected another test entirely and you were too busy studying for that other one.
 
 Because… life.
 
 Go do good things and learn everything you can. Life is too short to do otherwise.
 
 Really.

On Finding My Place

Never Give Up!

 

Scrolling Facebook at 3:30 this AM… yes, really, there are people who do that… I’m one of them… and frankly I’m shocked that I’m alone out there.

So. Disappointing.

Anyway, while scrolling, as my day began, imagine my surprise when I read this.  This one little picture, created by someone who has never even heard my name nor has any interest in doing, has very succinctly summed up the last 7 years of my life.  Seven years, rolled into seventeen small words, and they say everything.

Mind. Blown.

To be clear, virtually everyone around me thought I was crazy.  Most thought I was throwing away a carefully built career  for something that was just a fad.  Something that I knew very little about in the beginning.  Something that wasn’t even a real job when I first started considering it as my path.  Haven’t you people learned yet that I love proving you wrong?

Love. It.

And yes, I know I’m only one day in and I know that things can dramatically change in a second, but an entire day surrounded by people who are creative, throwing creative stuff into the air, talking through how everything is connected, and figuring out those connections in a visual and verbal fashion, drawing pictures of them, was so much fun.  So. Much. Fun. Indeed.  And this AM I woke up early, ready to work.  Because it doesn’t feel like work to me.  It feels like play.  It feels like home.  It feels like it’s way past due for me to be this excited to learn more, to see where I fit in, to use the skills I’ve spent all this time building.  To get off the bench and contribute.

I’m. In.

Thanks are owed.  To everyone who didn’t laugh out loud at me.  Who didn’t derisively snort at my ideas and aspirations.  Who didn’t say “but why?” more than once or twice.  Thanks for believing in me… even if you thought I was crazy… and for reading and commenting and sharing and helping me be a part of this world.  With every single like, share, comment, and interaction you all helped get me to this day.  And I’m here.

Day. Two.

I’m ready.  To seize this day, and the next, and the next, and the next… and make them all my own.  Even though I know I’m so new, even though I have so much to learn…  I’m ready.

So. Ready.

To go make magic.  Magical magic.  As I smile broadly.  And say yes.

Go!

You are my sunshine…

Thought for the Day…

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On Becoming a Woman of a Certain Age…

When that age is somewhere between 50 and death it’s not as easy as you think.

And yes, despite my immature youthful demeanor and lifestyle, apparently I am exactly that.  Or nearly.  Too close to it now for my comfort anyway.  And I’m not handling it very well… not at all in fact.  Because I am getting old.

Old.

Such a final and sad word.  With so much baggage.  None of which matches or speaks of a trip to somewhere fun and exotic.  Instead speaking of a one way trip to the end, a trip that gets shorter every day, and the resultant feeling that my time here is running out.

Old.

And I’m laughing about it, I’m trying to embrace it, but I’m secretly scared.  Okay, terrified.  Yeah… terrified… that’s it.  So I’m laughing on the outside but I’m crying inside and I’m not sure how to make this better for me.  How to get past all my preconceived notions about being this age, about being old, about reconciling my ever-growing list of things that I still want to do in this life with the reality that my time alive is getting shorter every day.  Because next week I will be 50.

Old.

One of the biggest struggles I guess is that I’m not sure how to act this new age.  How does one be 50?  What does 50 act like or look like?  Because I’ve seen others in my life do it but I don’t want to do it that way.  I want to own this age.  Change it so people see it as not so frightening.  Not so old.  Just a number.  But I’m not sure how.  I’ve got so much more I want to do… get my Masters, buy a home, travel, become a grandparent… there, that’s not too much to ask for, right?  But next week I am 50, and the feeling that my time is running out is overwhelming me today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.  And today I’m feeling like that number defines me as only one thing.

Old.

Fifty… half a century… the diamond anniversary of life… and instead of diamonds all I want is more time.  And that gift is the one nobody can give me.   More time.  Something so precious, so finite, and yet indefinable.  Something that is flying by.  Time.  More time.  So much more… please.  Because I want to live long enough to be older… to redefine another decade of life like I figure I’ll redefine this one… and just like I redefined 40.

Older.

My 40s were magical.  They started in tragedy and ended by being my most productive decade of life yet.  Becoming a parent, finishing college, changing careers, running two half marathons… how does one top all that?  But instead of asking that, perhaps I should be asking why my 50s can’t be more of the same?  Why can’t I grow into this new age and make it fit me and how I live, rather than fitting into the outdated perceptions that being 50 comes loaded with and allowing those preconceived notions to change me.  Make me different.  Make me older.

Older.

So with all this, what you need to know is that I’m fighting a battle right now.  A battle against growing old.  I’m giving no quarter.  I’m not quitting.  I may be inappropriate.  I may be ridiculous.  I may be childish.  But I’m always me.  And I’m not growing old… just older… and I’ll never grow up because if you get to 50 and you haven’t done it yet I hear you don’t have to.  All you need to do for me is say thank you.  Because you’re growing older too and you need to thank me in advance for paving a new way to do so.  A way that isn’t so old.  You’re welcome.

So on June 11 it’s happy birthday to me… fifty is here… this should be very interesting… very interesting indeed.  I’ve got no App, no Map, no guidebook, and no instructions… it’s all new and different from this point on.

Growing older.

Let’s have some fun!