Jun19

Requiem, Remembrance, and Resurrection?

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Requiem, Remembrance, and Resurrection?

RIP David… you were loved, by so many, for not nearly long enough and the world is dimmer at your passing. But truly, your death, for those of us left behind wrought so many other things that have flooded my brain, things that I’m still trying to sort out. Things that I cannot really find the words to speak about.

Yet.

You were one of us. Too young. Taken. Gone. Yet in death you reunited us. The remains of our small tribe. Beaten, battered, scarred, yet still standing. And betrayed in a way at the loss of you. Because your loss means our own mortality is very much in our minds. If you can die then our own survival becomes a question. And our certainty about survival becomes less.

Much less.

I hope you’re at peace. They say you’re not in pain anymore. I’m not sure. I cannot imagine a greater pain than being dead. Being gone. Being alone. I hope “they’re” right. I hope I’m wrong about where you are now.

I hope.

But “they” also say that every death is accompanied by new life and seeing us three together, I hope “they’re” right. I hope our tribe is reuniting in old age, much like we were knitted together of miscast threads in our youth. Growing old is scary. Growing old alone is worse. Death divides and unites. Death brings death, and life. Life brings hope and fear and pain and joy. Death is hard, life is harder. Life together- with the people who know all of your secrets and pain, all of your oldest dreams and fears- is easier somehow, but it’s also more scary.

Much more scary.

It’s much easier to be someone else if the people who know the real you aren’t there to point out your subterfuge. Aren’t there to say “I’m pretty sure that you’ve got on no clothes”. Aren’t there to pull off your mask and make you be real. I’m not sure that I’m real anymore. Are you? Is anyone?

Are you sure?

Your death, a haven for you from any more feelings, has for us opened up a whole chapter of nothing but for those of us left behind. Your urn led us to a cemetary filled with the life we left when we moved into adulthood full of hubris and snarls and the belief that we could walk away from our wreckage and never deal with the horrible things we had wrought in the lives of the others we were attached to like siamese twins intent on doing each other harm. Your death made us acknowledge that life. That pain. That fear. The silence of words we never could say to each other but that we needed to shout to the world. These are the things we received along with the loss of you. The terror of finally telling the truth. Comparing our stories. Remembering the same things differently.

Oh so differently.

Interestingly, your death is filled with infinite peace for you but yet ripe with complexity for those of us left behind. Sorting through our reunion, figuring out how we fit now, remembering the passion, the anger, the disappointment, the love.

Yes, the love. That we thought was gone. That’s still with us today. A living breathing thing. That wrapped us in its wings and comforted us in our loss of you. Gave us peace. Peace like it gave you.

Sweet peace.

And truthfully I almost envy you for that peace. Somehow being dead is easier. No worries. About anything. Just dead. At peace. And I hope you are. At peace that is. We will be. I’m sure. Eventually. Now that we’re reattached. Like we were years ago. You had the power to unite and to divide. I think we’re together. I hope we stay that way. Even if it’s complicated. Even if it challenges us. Even if we struggle. As long as we hang onto each other. As long as we hang onto the thread of the rope that love threw us. I hope we will.

I hope.

We love you David. We mourn your loss. We wish it wasn’t you to go. One of the youngest. One of the most alive. You should have lived. You were one of the good ones. But we didn’t get to choose. You were the one who went. And you gave us the gift of each other as you left us.

Thanks.

So peace little brother. Rest in peace. We wish you good journeys, fair winds and following seas. We salute you from the shore of a distant life and wish you everything that we can for the dead. We wish you love.

Love. Now, before, after, forever.

May30

Still in this Handbasket… Destination Unknown

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Still in this Handbasket… Destination Unknown

(Editor’s note: I, er, well, yeah, um, I thought this posted. Two days ago. It didn’t. Yeah, um, no. Whole thing disappeared. Amazing. Wow. So anyway, we’re trying this again. And if it doesn’t work out this time? Well, then you’ll be reading this under a new name. Because I’m really damned tired of rewriting it. Really. Okay, really really. So, again, here goes.)

So, anyway, where were we? Oh, right, we were here, together, in a hand basket, going somewhere and hoping for a good outcome. Spoiler alert: We haven’t gotten it yet. The outcome that is. Nope. 6 months past Graduation and I’m still unemployed.

Still.

Sent a bunch of Resumes. Interviewed several times. Turned down a couple of not-so-great offers. Haven’t found what I’m looking for. I’m the Goldilocks of employment it seems. Nothing is “just right”.

Suckage.

But, hey, at least there’s peace and harmony at home… right? Um, well, no. Because apparently I am currently a little hard to live with. Who knew? Between the OCD, the perfectionism, and the annoying habit of being right most of the time… what’s not to love about all of that? Yeah, so, apparently a lot. And you know, once I write it all down, those faults of mine, I realize that it’s a freakin’ miracle that I ever got married.

Thank you match.com. We’re a success story! Yay! For now anyway. However all bets are off if the employment thing doesn’t change up really soon.

Anyway, so that’s the update… not much to talk about. Just trying to find a job and get out of this damned basket. If you hear of anything then hit me up. Yeah, anything. I’m even considering a summer gig at Disney but I’m afraid it would be short-lived the first time I said “Sodas, Turkey Legs, oh and PLEASE POLICE UP YOUR DAMNED KIDS!”

Yep… shortest tenure ever. At least puppies love me. Sometimes.

May10

One Month…

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One Month…

It’s been one full month since I started changing our lives. One month of totally different eating. One month of totally different activity levels. One month of gradual progress. One month, and it’s working. Really, it is.

A month ago the dogs spent all of their time in the house, just as inactive as we were. Today we get up every morning and start the day with a Dog Walk at least 4 days a week. Also, to their eternal furry delight, we end at least 4 days with a Dog Walk as well. A month ago we could barely run 3 minutes of a 5k, despite having run two this Winter. Yesterday we both ran almost half of a 4 mile series. A month ago my new bike from last Fall was sitting in our garage with flat tires and had never even been ridden at all. Today I regularly ride that same bike 3 full laps around Lake Hollingsworth, at least once a week. A month ago I came home from a trip to Knoxville and discovered I had gained back 20 lbs. of the 35 that I lost in 2009/2010. Today I am 13 lbs. lighter than I was a month ag. It feels good. A month ago my running shoes that I bought 5 months ago were still nearly pristine and appeared mostly unworn. Today I am getting new running shoes for Mother’s Day… along with a Gym membership… and this is the best gift I can imagine getting from Hubs.

One month ago life was good, but not perfect. Today life is better, still not perfect, but getting easier. Today I think we can live like this for a long time. This new life is no longer a novelty. This is our life.

I like it. It works.

The last month is proof that you can change your life… if you try. One month ago we weren’t trying. Now we try every day. We don’t let “can’t” get in the way. Don’t let it get in your way either. You can do this too. You can make it better.

You’re the only one who can.

You. Can.

Apr30

Dear Monday, Try Harder!

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Dear Monday, Try Harder!

From my Facebook feed at 10:00 am:

So… this day began with howling dogs, thunder, and taking Robert Weiner to Urgent Care to get a silicon earbud cover removed from his Middle Ear Canal. Now my nerves are shot, my hair is humidity-wrecked, and it’s just 10am. However, under heading of first aid I’ve already had coffee, bacon, and carbs. Next I’m getting a Mani-Pedi and I’ll be therapeutically window-shopping after this and hopefully at least one of these actions will start the process of remaking this day into something I can live with.

Oh, and after I reset our Amazon password (because somebody changed it and forgot the new one) I’ve also ordered a nice shiny set of over-the-ear headphones for “that man” in order to keep at least one of these disasters from ever happening again.

Bless his heart. Oh, and if none of this works or anything else bad happens I’m switching to Vodka (AKA liquid Carbs).

So how’s your Tuesday?

Apr24

Four years…

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Four years…
Four years…

Four years since our youngest graduated from High School… and in less than 2 weeks she graduates from College.

Wow. See also: Where did the time go?

She’s different today, but still the same. Still beautiful… we hope she knows how much… still just as smart as we always knew she was… we hope she knows how smart… still finding her way… we hope she finds the way she really wants, not the one that’s easiest… and still our girl that we love with all our hearts… we hope she knows how much.

Graduation isn’t just an ending… it’s a beginning. The first day of the next chapter. We hope there are many more chapters for her. Lots more new. Lots more different.

We wish you love (which you’ve always had), luck (which you do not need), joy (which you bring with you in abundance), and vision (to see past today and find your tomorrow). Don’t wait for somebody to save you, don’t look for your Handsome Prince on a horse… instead be your own Hero. Save yourself. It’s your future, make it work for you… the rest will happen as it’s supposed to.

Never forget that life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. So make your own plans. Don’t accept others plans for you. Live your life. Not other peoples’ lives instead of your own.

Take the time always to live, love, & laugh… today, tomorrow, and always.

And never forget that we love you.

No matter what.

Love never changes.

Never.

Apr22

Evolving…

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Evolving…
Evolving…

Okay, so after playing with the idea of straightening my life up in multiple ways, with the idea of living longer and better at the forefront of that concept, I finally made the leap and did it two weeks ago.  I’m writing more in depth over here if you’re interested but the upshot in 6,000,000 words or less is that I feel better, I see changes happening inside and out, and it’s worth it.  

Yes, indeed it is.  I believe.

However, feeling better isn’t the whole point here with my life I’m afraid.  Now I’ve got to get my head in the game with everything else in my life that needs to be changed.  I’ve finally committed (at least mostly, since I’m very changeable) to following the careerpath I love – Social Media – with several resumes out there in that field now.  I only hope I can compete in that area alongside people far younger who seem to have the edge only because of that youth.  Likewise, after much debate and second-guessing, we’re really committed to staying put here in central Florida.  Our quality of life is so good and our circle is so big that we feel its worth it to try to make this work for us.  No, we’re not going to get rich quick here.  Not even get rich slow.  But we’ve got friends and family and connections that go pretty deep for us so we think it’s worth trying to make it work.

Oh and PS to Harry’s… don’t try so damned hard to change my mind… one place/incident does not an entire place make, which is seriously lucky for you because if it did then after Saturday I would either be picketing you or hiring a Moving Company.  PS I caught onto your personal prejudices there Ms. Manager, my LGBT friends did too.  One of us was unfortunately far too sober and straight for your shenanigans.  I’ll vote against you with my wallet, and my word of mouth.  You were warned then, I’m serious.

Bitch.  Oh, and F-U!  There, didn’t say that Saturday, but now I am.  With berries. 

Yeah, so anyway, I’ll write more about that later, life evolves.  Backward is anywhere you go.  People want to be offended… from now on my mission is to help them out whenever I can.

Anyway, yeah, we are moving forward, slowly, grindingly, painfully, but still moving forward.  Just like the world around us.  Things will change.  We will change.  And we will change our world, just by staying in it.

Evolve or die… not just a saying, a reality.

Apr17

Sounds of Silence- Part Jeebus only Knows…

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Sounds of Silence- Part Jeebus only Knows…

Yeah, I know… been a bit quiet over here… sorry! Been busy and stuff… because I’m like that. Busy.

Yeah.

But I promise the quiet has been productive, even if you haven’t seen it on here. Very productive in fact. If writing and designing and building can be considered productive.

I vote yes, but then I’m sort of biased.

Anyway, I unveiled my new creation on Monday, right before Boston blew up, which is why I didn’t immediately promote the heck out of it (and review PR 101 for any questions on my strategy). But now that the hubbub has died down it’s time to do the reveal for my brand new timesuck/attention divider/creative endeavor…

Living (Not So) Large

And yes, it’s yet another food and fitness blog (like the world needs more of them) and yes it’s not nearly as random and ridiculous as this one can be, but that’s why it’s there. This way I won’t bore people who only come here for… well, whatever it is y’all come for, and I can keep the lifestyle change stuff quarantined over there.

And, yes, of course you’re welcome for that!

Anyway, please go check out my new kid! Let me know what you think! Join the community and share your feedback in the comments. I’m really excited about it. I think it’s a new voice that might be helpful. But I’m looking forward to your thoughts!

Thanks for reading- both or either- I promise more inane content soon over here! I miss you too… except for that sketchy guy in the back. Sorry, he just creeps me out!

Cyal8tr!

Apr11

31,556,926…

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31,556,926…


In case you didn’t know, that equals the number of seconds in a year. And each second of the last year has been simultaneously so full and yet so empty. Time expands, life fills up, but the missing things are still in that space. Like Antimatter, but sometimes it matters more than the things one can see and touch.

Meanwhile here I am, still here, still missing her like I would miss my arm if I were to suddenly lose it, and filled with the dread… tomorrow marks one year since Mom left us. And so much has happened in that year.

So. Much.

But one important thing has not happened. she hasn’t come back, and she never will. And Even though I don’t logically believe in any sort of afterlife, I wistfully hope she’s still watching me because I miss her so much, still. Not much of the day passes without multiple thoughts of her and although I don’t cry as much now I never forget that she is gone away and she won’t be back. And do not insult my grief by saying she’s in a better place. For I can tell you without question that she is not. She is gone from us. She is dead. Nothing about that is better. It just is.

Heart still broken. Half-orphaned. This is still very hard. I learned how to be a Widow long ago, far more easily, and now I’m learning to live without my Mom, and it’s so much harder.

I am stumbling, yearning, sad, resigned, angry, and above all lonely. She was my cheerleader, my critic, the hand on my shoulder and the foot on my butt. Now I must be all of those things for myself.

I’m not as good as she was at that. Fits, starts, fails, falls, tears, do-overs. Such is life.

But today, 31,556,926 seconds later, there is a faint glimmer of hope, growing in my heart and in my new containers outside are so many of her lessons. Of course I needed so many more, but as the song goes…

“You can’t always get what you want. You get what you need.”

Today I hope. Which is much more than a thing with feathers. Today hope is all I have. Now that I do not have my Mom.

Hope. For me, for us. Hope… and love.

Today, tomorrow, forever.

I hope.

Mar21

Yes, indeed, I need more space…

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Yes, indeed, I need more space…
Yes, indeed, I need more space…

In my closets, in my heart, in my head…

Oh hell yes, definitely in my head… although you’d think there’d be plenty of room up there after the 80s… #amIright?

Wait, hold up, some of you weren’t even alive in the 80s… you don’t know! This girl right here though?  Yeah, she was, she and her friend "Smoking Girl"…

Oh hell yeah… bless their hearts.

But anyway that’s why this turned into a photo blog for a while.  But yeah, that’s over, hiatus ended.  Back to the scribbling grind.

And yeah, for those of you keeping score at home?  Still Funemployed.  Still going nuts.  But there are things finally starting to happen in that area… even if everyone is moving slowly… okay, very slowly. 

Related note: damned retrograde Mercury. 

So, anyway, hope you missed me.  If not, well here’s the latest episode of Downton Arbys for you… maybe that’s enough to make you smile?  Go ahead, watch it, you might like it better than me or “Smoking Girl”.

Downton Arby’s… bwahahahahaha!

See? Now you’re smiling… and that means I’m #winning… woo hoo!