With your host…

Oh, nevermind, channeling again.

Anyway, here’s the bulletpoints, because I’m a slackass, and I really don’t want to write an entire post with all the frills and furbelows you’ve come to expect.  Although, now that I think about it, your expectations are pretty low on this site. Like subterranean.  Or lower.  But anyway, regardless (or is it irregardless? I get so confused), here’s what I think you need to know about the here and now.  And lest you be confused, I’m doing this alternating good things/bad things, because life is like that.  Sweet with sour. Yeah, you know it.

1. Bob got a job.  Yes, a job. Where they pay him and everything. Yay.  So happy.  We may not end up living in a box after all. This is a very good thing.  Florida, in the summer, in a box, would be "of the suck". Because of this.
2. Yes, as I linked above, Tropical Storm Ana has formed in the Atlantic.  Now I usually like Ana’s, and in fact I’m particularly fond of this one who spells hers Anna but pronounces it like Ana.  However, I am not a fan of Tropical Storms, or their much scarier cousins – hurricanes.  Nope, not a fan at all.  In fact, I might be in contention for ultimate anti-fan.  This is the part about Florida that I don’t like.  The part where the whole damned place could conceivably turn into one big, flat parking lot, filled with nothing but hostile wildlife and swamp.  Oh, wait, that’s already happened.  So what am I afraid of?  May actually give us a shot of urban renewal or something.  So, glass half full or glass half empty and sides about to implode from Cat 5 winds.  You decide.  I’m just going to have another drink.  Hurricanes anyone? 
3. And the drinking isn’t just because of impending doom.  As hard as it may be to believe, I may have a pretty good shot at a contract position too.  Yes, employment.  For me.  That doesn’t involve "por favor, step away from the Slurpee Machine!"  And before you go getting all excited and shiz, no, it is not a forever job, at least initially.  But they are paying big dinero for a contract hired gun (that would be me), and the company who needs said hired gun is just right down the street so the commute is pretty easy.  Even better, I get to pass the Starbucks on my way, and there aren’t any red light cameras in that area.  So it’s all one big yay, right?  More Hurricanes for everybody!
4. And boy oh boy, Bob’s going to need them! He had a physical yesterday.  Yes, he got "the finger", they’re taking him off his Diabetes meds to see if he is self-controlling any at all, no they never told me whether he actually has a brain, and yes they will be setting him up for a Colonoscopy.  If you aren’t aware of the fun involved in this procedure, read this.  If you don’t want to know any more about this topic then go look at these.  Ha, gotcha! Now I bet you really do need the Hurricane, right?  Bob’s hoping for one mixed into his Moviprep.  I may put this on Youtube. 
5. But not from my new iPhone 3G.  Yes, you read that right, MY NEW IPHONE 3G!!! Another round of Hurricanes, just to celebrate! Drink up, you’re getting behind!  Now we didn’t get the new fancy-schmancy version with the compass (in the stock?) and the video camera, but we did get them at a really good price and they didn’t appear to have any crime scene detritus on them, so we’re okay with not being on the cutting edge.  We’re old, we’re used to it.  But, because we’re old, learning to use our new toys (I mean phones) has been more than a little challenging.  I mean, I think we spent at least a year this week learning how to do little things like PLACE AND ANSWER A FRICKIN’ PHONE CALL! Oh, and how to unbrick the damned thing when you answer it while you’re installing a critical software update.  Don’t do that BTW, I’m just sayin.  And yes, surprisingly, I’m the guilty party on that one.  Two hours after we got them home, mine was dead.  Really dead.  Like, as dead as Sarah Palin after a visit with the Death Panel (hey, a girl can dream, right?).  But thanks to The Google and Youtube and all you other geeks out there, I brought The Precious back to life.  And since that fun little incident we’ve spent the week perusing all the many free applications out there on iTunes and we’ve installed some really superb productivity helpers like Atomic Fart, and Bubblewrap.  Yes, really, we have both of them, and More Cowbell too! Because, hey, doesn’t everything need more cowbell? Yes, indeed it does.  The downside is that conversation has nearly ceased in our house, while we’ve been busy putting the pinstripes on our kewl new gadgets.  But the upside is that I am now qualified to work at any tech helpdesk job in the world.  That is, as long as I can begin every call with "Damnit Bob, what the hell did you do?"  Customer Service with a big smile is my life! Um, yeah. 

So, that’s all for now.  Next week’s fun includes a trip to TN at some point.  Oh, and Tropical Storm Ana.  Can’t forget her.  I tell ya, the fun just never stops around here.  And neither, apparently, do the Hurricanes.  Have another drink. Looks like you might need it.

I know I do.

Now that’s a Vampire love story I like!

as if it wasn’t obvious enough, I’m back!!! In case you were wondering about all the prolific chattering today, after so much silence for so long.  Not that you probably were.  Okay, maybe two of you were.  The others, meh.  As for the reason for the sounds of silence over here?  In a word, censorship.  Of the self-imposed kind.  Because of domestic issues, and spying eyes that were snooping for something, anything that could be used against us in a court of law.  Yep, the usual crap from BEW – you remember her, right?  “My” ex-wife? She’s still around, still charming as always, still dying to know the whys and wherefores of our life.  Pretty sad isn’t it?  Yes, sad.

But the reason for the unmuzzling?  Well, after many efforts at delay by BEW, our custody/visitation case was finally settled, 3 days before we were to go to court, on our terms and with our demands met.  So, woot, because that means no restrictions on me anymore.  So, yeah, I’m chattering away, again.  And come July I’ll tell the whole sordid tale.  But I think I’ll serialize so none of you end up poking your eye out with a pencil. Um, yeah.

But there was teh funny in all this.  After months of spying, I finally found an IP Blocking software that enabled me to block her attorney’s office from “the house”.  And because I’m smart like that, I rerouted him to an LOLcat. Can you say PWNED?  Yep.  PWNED.

And teh more funny?  I just ROFLMAO when I think that teh idjit paid an attorney to read this blog.  Really.  And now she’s whining about being broke becz. of her legal bills.  Teh Stupid?  She haz it.  She reset every step of the process, pushing all the dates out by 2 months each.  And she paid him to read a blog for an hour billable time every month.  So he could peruse my Twitter recap.  Um, yeah.  So I guess I should send a cute thank you note to him for helping keep my readership numbers up during the blogging drought.

Hey Mr. Jim Esq.? Keep reading! Kthxcyabai!