I know, normally the premise is that you wouldn’t even start looking for a house until you know exactly what you want, right?  Right?  Um, wrong.  So very wrong indeed, if you’re unlucky enough to be our realtor anyway.  Because that poor woman is slowly being driven nuts by us.  Us and our indecisiveness.  And our waffling.  And our general lack of enthusiasm toward this hunt for THE PERFECT HOUSE.

And yes, since we’re of a certain age, once is all we’re buying.  Just this one time.  For good.  So whatever we buy? Of course, it must be perfect.  Must be the right size – not too big, not too small.  Must have the right upgrades – because, of course, nothing plain vanilla appeals to either of us.  And, naturally, it must be in the right neighborhood – the suburbs and all the many gated cow pastures contained therein have never appealed to us.  So, for us, finding a house is, to be blunt, somewhat less fun than Waterboarding.  Um, yeah.  Actually I think our realtor is going to volunteer for Waterboarding, after we finally close on something (if that ever happens), as a spa treatment.  Maybe we should give her that as a gift?   

But anyway, back to the story.  We started this hunt in March, the weekend that Bob moved down here, and we concentrated only on south Lakeland.  Because that’s where I grew up.  That’s where I was comfortable in this town.  However, in the 20 years since I left here, I’ve done a lot of growing up and changing.  And so has Lakeland, but it’s not the town’s fault.  Because, being the idiots we are, we ignored all that knowledge and started the hunt in the south suburbs.  Home of plastic, shiny, new.  Even though we hate suburbs. Even though we don’t like plastic, shiny, new.  I guess because we thought as soon as we crossed the state line that we’d become radically different people and our tastes would change from quality to… oh… how do I say it kindly? Not so much?  Well, after four months of looking but not finding a house we like, we have finally found one thing.  What we’re attempting to do is not going to happen.  We cannot change our housing style as easily as we changed our zip code.  Our real estate personality is pretty ingrained, it turns out.  It’s old, it’s established, it’s got lots of very large trees, and it’s never been a part of a suburb.  It’s in-town, with a porch and lots of windows.  Not 10 miles outside of town, with a sparkling (ha ha – another story for another day) pool and a garage door as its major architectural feature.  It’s historic, with a few creaky floors and a (hopefully) checkered past.  And thus, for us to look at new = teh epic fail.  Of all time. 

But we did.  In fact, I think we’ve looked at every house between $150000 and $300000, that is on the market in 33812 and 33813.  And I’d be lying if I said that anything we’ve looked at out there was "the house".  None of them were.  Well, except for the ginormous custom home with the (supposedly) gawdawful wallpaper in the kitchen.   I actually liked that wallpaper, just so you know.  But other than that, none of the buhjillion eyesores new homes we’ve looked at said anything to us.  Other than yawn.  There’s lots of sameness.  A tone of majorly boring.  And a nice topping of Ho hum.  Which made me finally realize that most people out there in the ‘burbs are truly the Vanilla of our world.  Plain old Vanilla, just trying to blend in, with no place for anything different, like Rocky Road.  And don’t even ask for mix-ins… you’ll kill the property values with that shiz. 

So, after 3 months of looking, we were no closer to finding our perfect fit than we were in March.  But we were getting closer to living in that box we talk about all the time.  Which really isn’t our desired outcome to this.  Really.  Because it’s the rainy season and all, you know? And boxes aren’t exactly conducive to our needs at this time.  So we changed things up.  Started looking in-town.  In neighborhoods that look like our old neighborhood in Knoxville.  Old, established, historic, INTERESTING! And, lo, the Angels sang.  But, to be sure, we’ve seen some real mistakes that are dressed up as restored historic construction.  Some real dogs with fleas, and dry rot.  Some rather odd ideas on how to repurpose rooms, and some places that should be listed as "knock’er-downers" instead of "fixer-uppers".  We found a spider residing in a FSBO who thinks he’s already gone thru closing and is in Escrow.  He’s not planning on leaving.  We did.  But we’ve also found some jewels. And most importantly, we’ve found places that we could actually see ourselves living.  Forever.  Happily.  And that’s made all the difference.  Because now we’re excited about this search.  Now we’ve become excited about living here. Finally.  And it’s about time, don’cha think?

So the moral to my tale? And there is one, after all this.  Don’t try to change who you are.  And don’t try to change your real estate profile just because the best deals are something different from what you like.  A good deal is only good if you like the results.  If the house isn’t what you want and like, no matter how cheap it is you won’t ever be happy.  Really.  But, of course, the search continues, this time in the right place though.  We really can’t wait to post "We found it!" Hopefully soon… hopefully.  Meanwhile, send our realtor a sympathy note.  She’s a saint.  With crazy customers. 

God bless us every one? 

Okay, so we started this hunt very hopeful.  Now, 4 months later, not so much.  I mean, really, what I’ve learned about my fellow man in the past few months seriously worries me about our collective future.  And explains a lot.  And, after all this, we really aren’t any closer to determining what we want, but we’ve certainly compiled a massive list of what we don’t want.  And because I do like to do community service with this blog, here is the list of Home Seller Don’ts that I’ve compiled so far: 

1. Weirdness should never be confused with having unique taste.  Really.  So you, Mr. Freakman, your collection of Star Wars plastic figurines should not be displayed in a $1000 cabinet. This just makes you look like an obsessed fanboy.
2. Some people should be barred by threat of death from Wallpaper books.  In fact, wallpaper might be the most dangerous substance known to man.  A newly discovered weapon of mass distraction.
3. While it might have been true that the builder had 26 floorplans to choose from, it appears from the housing inventory that he only built 5, over and over and over.
4. If you are showing your house, turning off your TV and getting out of it should be the first rule of business.  Seriously, if I have to walk between you and Wheel of Fortune 4 times, it’s a sign that you might not really want to sell your home.
5. Do not fix any kind of Curry the day you are showing the house.  Or Bacon. Eat out. It’s a good idea. Really.
6. Religious knickknacks do not work as a primary decor theme.  Yes, we get that you love Jeebus, a lot.  But seriously, even he would consider a restraining order if he saw the 82 replicas of him and his cross that you’ve put in every room.  This is a problem, not a belief system.  Get a grip, or therapy.
7. Cleaning is not a four letter word… if you want to sell the house, clean the house.  I’ve got my own dirt thanks, don’t need to buy yours.
8. If your dog is smelling very doggish, trust me when I tell you that this will not increase your curb appeal or resale value if he’s your designated greeter.  Do us all a favor and get the animal out of the house.  I know he’s a member of your family.  But to me he’s an uncouth, smelly, canine version of the crazy uncle nobody wants to come to Thanksgiving.  Now why is it that you think perfect strangers would want to meet him? Really? Hmmm.
9. Mow your grass. See rule 7. 
10. Little Tykes is not a home interior design theme.  Yes, we know you have kids. The pink Little Mermaid/Princess/Ladybug room theme gave that away pretty fast.  So did the measurements penciled onto the door facing in the kitchen.  And we love kids, really we do, in a nice sauce with a good Cab Sauvignon?  However, we really don’t want to have to risk life and limb by having to step over 3 tricycles, 2 sets of Legos, and a whole truckload of Fisher Price/Barbie/Hot Wheels as we cross your Living Room/Dining Room/Great Room Floor.  And, psstt! You heard it here first!  That lovely Turtle Sandbox? Wasn’t ever designed for usage or display in the Formal Dining Room.  Just sayin.

There, that’s the short list.  And might I add that I really feel sorry for all Real Estate Agents having to show some of these eyesores sorry, I meant these

4 br 2 ba, excellent location, great schools, perfect condition, bring the family, ideal for kids!