I wish…

I could just call my Mom. Just once more. Just to say hi. And to tell her how much I still need her.

I do. So very much.

There seems to be no break in this hurt. No chance to get out of the pressure cooker and just try to forget. Nobody is giving me that. I’m supposed to “stay strong”.

I’m not strong. I’m not even sleeping at a Holiday Inn Express every night so I can’t fake it very well. I’m sorry, but I’m just not.

I’m just human. A girl. Scared. Hurt. And I really want my Mom. I need her. She was my entire emotional support system. I have trouble being as real as I was with her with anybody else.

Anybody.

Real, right now, is hurt. Tears I cry alone. Because I have to be strong. Because I have to stand up.

Because.

I just wish she would call. Would tell me that it’s going to be okay. Even if it isn’t.

I’m not sure.

I just know I hurt. And she is the one person who could always change that. Make it all better.

A cold washcloth on my forehead when I had a fever. A hug and a stern talking to when I came home from school crying because once again I had been bullied for being different. A popsicle when my throat was sore.

She was all those things and more. And now she’s not. Nobody will ever do those things for me again. Nobody.

I’m the adult now. And I have to be strong. For everybody. But I’m not.

I’m still hurting, but now I have to fix it myself.

PS I’m not sure how to do that. I just know I hurt. And it feels awfully bad when I think about it. So I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying not to think about it.

It hurts.

Now.

And it probably always will.

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