Flash news update!  We have new family members here at Casa de Weiner.  Along with Harold, the Rats, and all three Dogs .  Apparently we hung out a sign somewhere, or this house is the secret replacement for Noah’s Ark, or some such craziness because now we’ve got new additions.

Ants.

Lots. of. Ants.

Cue groans.  Okay, thanks.  Love sound effects, don’t you?  They just add so much to stale words, written on a page.  If I keep them then you might actually forget that you’re not watching TV.  See?  I’m sneaky like that.  Forcing literacy on the unsuspecting. It’s my life goal.

Anywho, yeah, we’ve got Ants.  LOTS. OF. ANTS.  Like perhaps they came in a box labeled exactly like that.  Only I didn’t see their box.  I just see them, showing up in random places, all the time.  Like the one that just mysteriously appeared on my laptop while I was writing, just a second ago.  I have no clue where he came from, unless they’re falling from the ceiling, and I’m not entirely sure that Ants can do that.  But you can be sure that if they can, my Ants would be the ones to try it.  Like Keanu Reeves in Matrix.  Only I could get Ants who can mimic that stuff.

Lucky me.  Most people get bugs, I get the frickin’ Avengers, disguised in tiny bug suits. Yay.

So now, what with the influx of pestilence, I’m wondering when the frogs and boils are coming.  Prudent like that I am, everything leads back to the old testament.  Everything.  PS second lesson from there is don’t eat the Lobster… seriously trayf.  Like, so trayf it gets capitalized.  TRAYF.  Look it up, Deuteronomy, my Nana told me, you’re welcome.

Anyway, dammit, back to the Ants.  And what to do.  And most definitely what to do about the damned Ants in the house.  If anyone in Lakeland can recommend an Exterminator that’d be great.  Or a new rental house somewhere in the Lake Hollingsworth area, preferably without a whole collection of current tenants of the unseen variety, that’d be just great too.  Two bathrooms would be a huge bonus.  Truly, you have no idea.  Bob might actually sponsor a parade in your honor.  Two bathrooms?  That’s an embarrassment of riches beyond our wildest dreams.  I might swoon from excitement.

But yeah… exterminator or new rental.  Either will work.  In the 33803.  Because we’re townies like that.  No bugs.  No rodents.  Finders prize to whoever nails it.  Okay… ready… go!