An Open Letter to a Friend…

The first thing you need to understand is that you do not need to defend yourself if you feel you made the right decision. After all, you are an adult, you have to live with your mistakes, and whatever those mistakes cost you only you will have to pay.  The second thing you should understand is that I’m not angry with you over this decision you have made, nor am I even surprised.  I knew you would do this.  In fact, I actually understand (probably better than you think) why you have done something that everyone in your world disagrees with so wholeheartedly.

You see, I’ve been in your situation before.  I know where you are.  You’re lonely.  You’re unhappy.  You feel trapped.  And he’s the only solution you have right now.  So he’s better than nothing.  Better than being alone.

But is he?  Is he a solution, or is he the problem?

He says he’s changed.  He says things are going to be different.  He says…words.  Just words.  Fact is, he’s been like he is for years.  He hasn’t changed.  Another fact is that so have you, and you didn’t change either. So if we have two people who are exactly the same, creating the same combination together, how could any other outcome be the result?

He has to have control.  He has to have subservience.  Before when you were with him you saw up close that when he didn’t get those two things there were problems.  How does that change in two weeks? Ask yourself that.  And be honest.  Because  when you stop and really be honest, instead of defensive, I think you’ll admit that you don’t even care whether he changed.  I think that’s when you’ll tell the world with words what your actions are already saying – you believe he’s all you can find and all you deserve.  You think he’s your only chance.  You think it’s him or being alone.  Forever.

I wish you loved you as much as so many others do.  I wish you saw the beauty, the caring, the goodness we all recognize and want to protect.  I wish you liked you, really really liked you, like we do.  None of us are mad.  We’re scared.  We love you, we care about you, and we don’t want to have to identify you in a Morgue.  None of us want that.

And that, when you get to the bottom of the drama and ridiculousness, is what’s wrong with everyone in your life.  There are very many people who care deeply about you.  Those people will all blame themselves if something catastrophic happens to you.  No one in your life has any investment in him.  Nobody even likes him.  Let alone loves him.  We saw him hurt you before.  We will not forgive him.  We don’t have to.

And now you are in more danger than ever before because you have done something he had not been able to do before.  You have made this decision that we all hate.  And now you say we’ve written you off.  But you have to understand, to us you’re the one who wrote you off.  By going back. By not trying to fix your life on your own. By not being an adult and accepting that decisions have consequences.

Is this the price you are willing to pay?  Is he worth that?  Are you sure?  Is he really Mr. Right?  Or is he just Mr. Right Now?  Only you know.  We do not.  But you know what the price is to be with him.  And that is what you have to pay.  With your family, your friends, your grandchild.  All of that.  Is he worth that?

Think about it.

Just know that if it gets horrible, the door is open.  But if you keep running back to him, running back to danger, eventually no one can save you.  No one will.  You have to save yourself.  You have to love yourself.  More than we do.  More than he does.

More than anything.

If you choose to be with him because he is your choice, know that I am sad, but I am not surprised.  I wish you love, and luck.  You need both, from someone who does actually love you.  Not someone who simply says the word and means something different.  Love is not about control.  Love is not about hurt.  Love is not words.

Remember that.  Always.