Feeling your feelings…

I feel bad.

This lingering sickness… I hate it. I want to be well again. I want to feel better. I want… I want… I want. And yet I’m not there. I’m not able to do what I want. I’m being thwarted at every turn by my body that keeps feeling bad, feeling not up to par, feeling tired and run down, and feeling sick.

And yet.

I know I will get better. It will get better. I must. It must. But I feel off-kilter, out of balance, not myself. A shadow, a wraith, weak and not the same. Me, but not me. Trying to stand, feeling uncertain, a newborn colt on legs that do not yet have the strength to stand up. A rebirth of sorts.

A new day.

Because life goes on… it must. I’ll be better soon, I know. And then I’ll wonder why I ever wrote this. Why I ever focused on the bad and let it into my head.

Why?

For today I’m just staying with feeling bad. Feeling unwell. Out of sorts. Today I’m holding onto that. Giving me permission to feel bad. Because I can. Because I will.

Because I feel bad.

But just today. Tomorrow will be better. I know. Tomorrow will be okay.

Tomorrow.

Life is all about tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

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“An infinite question is often destroyed by finite answers. To define everything is to annihilate much that gives us laughter and joy.”

Madeleine L’Engle

There are sometimes strong winds that blow open the doors that we need to hide behind for our very survival. Is it safer to open the door on our own and take the chance of either destroying everything we have or saving it all by letting the wind pass through and leave us untouched? Or should we nail our doors closed, take refuge in the darkness they provide, and live in fear for the rest of our lives that we may be tested again?

Sometimes things happen. And always things happen for a reason. Sometimes, though, the reasons aren’t the ones we originally see. And while getting the real reason is tempting, intriguing, and can be soul-satisfying in the extreme, it is also usually the most dangerous and risky thing we choose to do. Because the search will usually mean that things continue to happen. And everything happens for a reason.

Frequently life offers answers to questions that weren’t asked. Solutions to riddles that are ridiculous and never should be solved. Landings for thoughts that circle endlessly in an infinite loop that stretches for eons that we never really wanted to know. And sometimes life is filled with inscrutable answers that answer nothing at all.

Once in a lifetime we open up boxes that cannot be closed. Sometimes we learn more than we need in order to survive in our organized and tidy little world. Sometimes we only needed to know a little, not a lot. But the questions we ask are not small questions and the answers are much larger than we ever expected.

Sometimes it’s just Monday.

And sometimes it’s not.