Thankful Thots: Part “Jeebus-Only-Knows-How-Many”

thankful

So I’m sure all of you are sicksicksick to the death of reading what everyone is thankful for.  I know I am… and let me just state for the record that all of you really need to just build a check list and click the boxes.  Sameness.  Seriously, so much sameness.  And I laugh when I read these because I mostly think about all of the times I read and hear y’all ranting about the things you’re now saying you’re thankful for.  And I’m hopeful that your object of thankfulness remembers your abject words of gratitude the next time you’re ranting at them again… that might be the only thing that keeps them in the house.

Just sayin.

But anyway, after the admonishment and incredulity, it’s time for me to do the same thing.  Only mine is different this year, but that probably doesn’t surprise any of you… am I right?  And, before I go into it, I feel the need to state, for the record, that I’m just as grateful as all of you for all the same things you’re giving thanks for.  Truly.  And I tell the people in my life that as much as possible.  Because that’s important.  But this year has been different.  This year, in fact, might personally be called my year of discontent, and my year of searching, and so I’m grateful for something totally different.  And when I say grateful I mean that in a different way entirely.  Because sometimes you’re grateful for things that you didn’t necessarily want when you got them.  That’s this year.

This year is not what I wanted.

But this year is what I got… and I’m learning to appreciate it for what it’s been.  A journey.  At times harder than others.  And at times far simpler than I ever expected.  This year I’m thankful for the passage of time.  Time that I spent emotionally breaking down, cocooning, learning how to be alone and together, and precious time that I spent on me.  I’ve mourned this year, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve been quiet, and mainly I’ve re-examined me to see if I still like her.  The good news is that I do… but the good and bad news is that I see more change coming for me.  Because of all this time I’ve taken with me, because of the searching I’ve done and I’m still doing, because my journey is continuing.

The road goes on forever.

Looking at your life, mourning what you’ve lost fully and completely,  this is hard work.  It takes time.  It takes being okay with sadness and understanding that sadness isn’t permanent.  But doing this work, this year, was vitally important for me.  For my ability to survive the next loss, and the next, and the next.

Survival is the goal.

In just this last year I’ve fallen in and out of like & love with a million things big and small, planned a million plans that I won’t start or finish, started an entirely new life direction and debated that decision continually ever since, made myself healthier (and smaller) than I’ve been in years, pushed myself to run further than I ever thought possible, and accepted my losses and failures with at least a little grace.  I’ve made myself and other people laugh and think, loved myself and them when neither deserved it, and laughed, and cried, and flirted, and yelled throughout it all.

I am healthier mentally and physically right now than I was a year ago, due to the work I’ve done and the work I continue to do.  And that was my goal, when I got this dubious gift of time to heal, and I decided to move forward and do it.  To start finally fixing me.  And I’m on my way.  Oh I still miss the missing from my life with a fierceness that doesn’t abate, but I’ve found a way through it that will allow me to be okay.  I am okay.

Really. Okay.

So that, in a nutshell, is my thankful thot this year… thank you Universe for time.  Time isn’t always a gift but this year it’s my treasure.  Use yours wisely this next year.  Allocate it in a way that carries meaning.  Make it count.

Because you never know when you might run out.

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