Where do we go from here…

So it seems nothing has changed in our lives… except for all of the changes. I look back over almost 3 years and I can see ground zero very clearly. But honestly there were signs before that milestone that bespoke of a new reality. We knew there were things going on with life as we knew it but we had no idea the depth charge that was already armed and falling toward us.

It finally blew in December of 2014 and nothing has been the same since then.

Today, yes, things are very different. Where we used to live as a couple, today we live in two separate states. Where we used to share everything, today we text and talk on the phone but we only see each other every three or four months. One of us lives completely alone, the other lives with a shadow of someone he loves very much but who isn’t entirely there anymore. It’s hard kids. Very hard indeed. And we’re trying to figure out our path whilst doing what we have to in order to move forward with life.

This is not as easy as it looks.

And while we look okay and we seem like we’re handling all of this… most of the time we’re not. We’re married but we don’t have a partner nor a real marriage. So we’re trying to figure it out. We care a lot for each other… a very big lot… and we both want to be happy but we’re not sure what that looks like anymore. There’s complications. There’s challenges.

There’s a lot of stuff.

So bear with us both. We’re figuring this out. Our reality has changed both of us. While we tried to adapt to it. Like trying to reason with hurricane season. Short answer… you can’t. Life goes on… but what it looks like in the future isn’t clear. We’re still trying but we both need to draw a map forward. So be patient with us. This is hard. Being friends. Loving each other. Wanting what’s best for ourselves and for each other. And we don’t have any idea what that is or isn’t. So we’re making it up as we go.

Life isn’t always easy… and being honest is very painful. We go on though… we always go on.



And yet here we all still are…

Is it cliche to say I’ve missed writing on here? Is it ridiculous? Is it a lie? Maybe all three… and yet here I am… pecking away. So much to share but I’m not really ready for that right now. There’s a lot on my plate, a lot on my mind, and a lot in my way… there, that’s all you need to know.

Yes, really. No I won’t change my mind.

But still I’ve been craving some creating… because these days I just feel stifled. Almost like I’m constipated… but not really… but really. And you’re welcome for that overshare… but honestly that’s the best description. Like I’m sort of marking time or walking in place which is exactly the opposite of fun for me.

I know… it’s challenging reading me when I’m like this. #sorrynotsorry

But at least I finally said something… even if it’s not much. At least I finally started typing again. At least there’s that. And very soon I’ll start talking again. I promise. There really is a lot to say. I promise. Even if it’s only entertaining to me.

I really do want to say it. I promise.