Confession… I hate needing people. Worse than pretty much anything in the world. Feeling needy to me is a total admission of weakness. I am instantly turned into a 5 year old child when I have to reach out for help… and I’m always terrified that I’ll be turned away or refused. So I try everything I can to never need anyone. Never be vulnerable. Never open up.
Until I have no choice. Until I can’t not reach out. Until I exhaust all possibilities. Until I just can’t.
Spoiler alert… sometimes I can’t.
And when I can’t? So. Much. Drama. When adulting fails me it’s usually big and messy and with lots of tears and such. Because I’m so scared. Because I’m not comfortable with being vulnerable. But that’s when I have to be brave. Have to reach out. Have to take a risk. Have to hope that someone will catch me when I fall. It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally it does.
But I hate it.
However… I’m learning. Slowly. Carefully. Painfully. Learning. Like I learned this weekend – in several ways. Because when I reached out this weekend several hands caught me. Strong hands. Smart hands. Hands that comforted me. Hands that helped me. Hands that showed me solutions. Many hands. Together. Helping me find answers. Helping me find comfort. Showing me I’m not alone.
I am not alone.
And today I’m feeling stronger. Feeling more adultish. Feeling like I can do this thing called life. Because today I really do know that I have people around me who will not let me fall. And I am no longer afraid.
Today’s lesson? My village is bigger than I think. People care when you let them. And love is around me all the time, whether I see it or not. Thank you to everyone in my life who helped me realize this… once again. Sometimes I’m a slow learner but I’m getting there. Life has been a challenge these last few weeks… but when I faltered I found help… ready and waiting, and that’s when I knew…
That’s when you carried me.
So thanks Ted, Rich & Caren, Charlie & Alex, Matt, Jody & Scott, Brian, and my family. I feel the love and I am blessed.
You are my village.
I love you.