Happy Birthday…

Yesterday was Mom’s birthday. The day is hard every year… but then, every day is a little bit hard since she’s been gone. And she’s been gone for 10 years this year.

I still miss her so much.

The days I wasted fighting against her, trying to prove I was nothing like her, trying to be me… and now, today, I realize that I am so very much like her and I am glad for it. I consider it a compliment when someone tells me how much I remind them of her. In fact, my sister and I are an amalgamation of her best and worst sides. We represent all of her. And all of Dad. We are them… they made us… just so you know that whole “in my own image” stuff goes farther than you ever dreamed.

Wherever you are now Mom I hope they had Pepperidge Farms Coconut Cake for you. I hope they sang “Happy Birthday” just as badly as we always did. I hope someone gave you a ridiculous gift that you didn’t need… just because they loved you so very much and they wanted to buy you something they thought was really super nice with their allowance that they saved up even though it turned out that the gift really wasn’t all that nice and it wasn’t something that you needed at all. I hope they left a mess in the kitchen for you to clean up after they fixed you a fancy dinner of Beef Rice-A-Roni & Asparagus with Cheese which was their favorite, not yours. And most of all I hope they gave you a hug and a kiss and I truly hope they told you how much you are loved and missed.

Because you are.

Every day.

And even more… on your birthday.

I love you too Mom.

Always.

And you thought you got rid of me…

Yeah… er… well… almost… good try

Not even kidding, it’s been a rough few years. And apparently whilst surviving said rough few years I took a vow of silence or some such nonsense. But finally, after much wailing and gnashing and nonsense that I didn’t share here, I’m back again. Same bat time, same bat channel, and it finally looks like the long hard journey toward the light might… MIGHT… be very close to over.

For those of you keeping score, here’s the quick checklist:

  • Good job – Done, finally at last – and that was a fun 3 year ordeal kids (cue eyeroll and sideeye)
  • Divorce – Done, and we’re good friends again… I consider that a win.
  • Good friends – Done… and there is no way I could have survived the last three years without them. Truly. No way.
  • Learning humility and how to pick myself up and dust myself off and start over again (and again, and again, and again…) – So damned done with that process that there aren’t even enough words to describe it.
  • A good, stable relationship with someone who is oil to my water – done, and some days more than done but I still love him even if I’m ready to cheerfully strangle him at times.

And the list of lessons I’ve learned and things I’ve achieved goes on and on. Those are the high points though. The things that hurt the most, caused the most stress, and feel the best now that I’ve made it to the other side. I’m here, and it’s time to start living again. Stop being scared for the next thing that’s going to come at me. Things are always going to come at me. Now I know for sure that I’m ready. Bring it. I’ve got the hands ready to throw, earrings ready to come out really quick, and a few folks who will hold them for me and watch my back as I kick something else square in the ass and out of my life.

The thing I’ve missed? This. Writing out the dreck. Letting it go. Feeling like it’s gone. Moving on. So it was time to take back up the pen so to speak. Let me back out. Exercise my “gift” such as it is. It’s time.

I’m back.

Thank god.

Finally.

I’m back.