Feeling your feelings…

I feel bad.

This lingering sickness… I hate it. I want to be well again. I want to feel better. I want… I want… I want. And yet I’m not there. I’m not able to do what I want. I’m being thwarted at every turn by my body that keeps feeling bad, feeling not up to par, feeling tired and run down, and feeling sick.

And yet.

I know I will get better. It will get better. I must. It must. But I feel off-kilter, out of balance, not myself. A shadow, a wraith, weak and not the same. Me, but not me. Trying to stand, feeling uncertain, a newborn colt on legs that do not yet have the strength to stand up. A rebirth of sorts.

A new day.

Because life goes on… it must. I’ll be better soon, I know. And then I’ll wonder why I ever wrote this. Why I ever focused on the bad and let it into my head.


For today I’m just staying with feeling bad. Feeling unwell. Out of sorts. Today I’m holding onto that. Giving me permission to feel bad. Because I can. Because I will.

Because I feel bad.

But just today. Tomorrow will be better. I know. Tomorrow will be okay.


Life is all about tomorrow.


One month…

It’s been one full month since I started changing our lives. One month of totally different eating. One month of totally different activity levels. One month of gradual progress. One month, and it’s working. Really, it is.

A month ago the dogs spent all of their time in the house, just as inactive as we were. Today we get up every morning and start the day with a Dog Walk at least 4 days a week. Also, to their eternal furry delight, we end at least 4 days with a Dog Walk as well. A month ago we could barely run 3 minutes of a 5k, despite having run two this Winter. Yesterday we both ran almost half of a 4 mile series. A month ago my new bike from last Fall was sitting in our garage with flat tires and had never even been ridden at all. Today I regularly ride that same bike 3 full laps around Lake Hollingsworth, at least once a week. A month ago I came home from a trip to Knoxville and discovered I had gained back 20 lbs. of the 35 that I lost in 2009/2010. Today I am 13 lbs. lighter than I was a month ag. It feels good. A month ago my running shoes that I bought 5 months ago were still nearly pristine and appeared mostly unworn. Today I am getting new running shoes for Mother’s Day… along with a Gym membership… and this is the best gift I can imagine getting from Hubs.

One month ago life was good, but not perfect. Today life is better, still not perfect, but getting easier. Today I think we can live like this for a long time. This new life is no longer a novelty. This is our life.

I like it. It works.

The last month is proof that you can change your life… if you try. One month ago we weren’t trying. Now we try every day. We don’t let “can’t” get in the way. Don’t let it get in your way either. You can do this too. You can make it better.

You’re the only one who can.

You. Can.


let-go  Okay, so after playing with the idea of straightening my life up in multiple ways, with the idea of living longer and better at the forefront of that concept, I finally made the leap and did it two weeks ago.  I’m writing more in depth over here if you’re interested but the upshot in 6,000,000 words or less is that I feel better, I see changes happening inside and out, and it’s worth it.

Yes, indeed it is.  I believe.

However, feeling better isn’t the whole point here with my life I’m afraid.  Now I’ve got to get my head in the game with everything else in my life that needs to be changed.  I’ve finally committed (at least mostly, since I’m very changeable) to following the careerpath I love – Social Media – with several resumes out there in that field now.  I only hope I can compete in that area alongside people far younger who seem to have the edge only because of that youth.  Likewise, after much debate and second-guessing, we’re really committed to staying put here in central Florida.  Our quality of life is so good and our circle is so big that we feel its worth it to try to make this work for us.  No, we’re not going to get rich quick here.  Not even get rich slow.  But we’ve got friends and family and connections that go pretty deep for us so we think it’s worth trying to make it work.

Oh and PS to Harry’s… don’t try so damned hard to change my mind… one place/incident does not an entire place make, which is seriously lucky for you because if it did then after Saturday I would either be picketing you or hiring a Moving Company.  PS I caught onto your personal prejudices there Ms. Manager, my LGBT friends did too.  One of us was unfortunately far too sober and straight for your shenanigans.  I’ll vote against you with my wallet, and my word of mouth.  You were warned then, I’m serious.

Bitch.  Oh, and F-U!  There, didn’t say that Saturday, but now I am.  With berries.

Yeah, so anyway, I’ll write more about that later, life evolves.  Backward is anywhere you go.  People want to be offended… from now on my mission is to help them out whenever I can.

Anyway, yeah, we are moving forward, slowly, grindingly, painfully, but still moving forward.  Just like the world around us.  Things will change.  We will change.  And we will change our world, just by staying in it.

Evolve or die… not just a saying, a reality.

Train and pain: Physical Fitness- Dr. Seuss-style

So, not sure I shared this yet, but in January we’re running our first 5k.

(cue balloons, streamers, confetti, cute stretcher-bearing EMTs, and the like)

And yes, it’s okay to laugh… I know it sounds totally redonkulous.  Totally.  Fer sure.  But yes, we’re running.  And we’re not being chased by a bear, which might or might not be a good thing.  Not sure yet.  The bear might be my only way to finish this damned thing.  Especially since neither of us has really gotten serious about the whole training thing.

Er, yeah.

Listen dammit we’ve been busy!  Very busy in fact.  And we’ve just not had time yet to get started.  But we’re going to.  I promise.  Besides, we’ve got plenty of time.  January is a long way away… right?

Anyway, yeah, we’re running the Disney Marathon Weekend 5k… no, not the damned marathon.  I’m not entirely certain they could remove enough of my brain to allow me to even consider training for that.  I tried.  It just didn’t work out.  Sorry.  Moving on.  To a 5k… that seems theoretically to be more accessible to us.  If we get off our butts and start training.

Train.  There’s that word again.  That rhymes with pain.  If I don’t start real soon it will drive me insane.

I better get moving or I’m going to be that schmuck.  You know, the one In the back of the truck.

Because I wasn’t into pain so I didn’t take the time to train and my 16 minute mile went straight down the drain.

Yeah, that’ll be just my luck, because being in the truck will totally suck.   So I’m going to get up and not be a schmuck, the training I’ll do even though it will suck.

I’ll do the training and I won’t be paining or wheezing and geezing or going insaning.  And then with any luck I won’t end up in the truck.  Because as we all know, the truck it will suck.

The end.

Wait! What? OMG… this time it’s looking suspiciously like it might actually be working!!!!!!

Because according to my new bestie, AKA the bathroom scale, I’ve got 2 lbs missing from somewhere inside or outside of me.  Where?  Who knows.  Probably from something useless, like my brain or liver, but you can be sure that it’s most decidedly not from my butt.  Nope, I inventoried this morning and it’s all there, dimples and everything.

BTW, dimples on your butt… not the best place to get them, just sayin’.

But regardless of where those 2 lbs. are missing from, I’m glad they’re gone and they need to just stay that way. We don’t want their kind here. And, there was a moment of levity this AM when I discovered the runaways.  In the process of announcing the news I called the scale my best friend, and my husband immediately reminded me that I had called her a lying beeyotch just three days ago.  What can I say?  Bipolar maybe?  Or maybe just very flexible.

I’m very bendy like that.  You’ve been warned.

But anyway, to make up for his slothfulness yesterday morning, last night The Bob went walking with me.  And we took the dogs.  Seriously, you’d think they never got to go anywhere.  Stupid dogs.  And walking all three?  Just like leashing up a hurricane, with fur and feet, and slobber.  That too.  Big fun doesn’t even begin to describe it.  But, yeah, we all walked… almost 1.5 miles… with intervals of trotting, because of those idiot dogs and their irrational exuberance.  And then, after all that excitement, we came home and collapsed into a pile on the couch did 30 min. on the Wii Fit.  Sorry, got last week confused with this week for a moment there.  But, yeah, 30 min. of exercises, complete with a 6 min. run, in circles, around the Living Room.  Because, you know, I can’t run in place for extended periods of time due to my continuing foot issues.

Damn you Plantar Fascitis!

Foot issues which I hope will be corrected by investing in new Running Shoes.  Soon.  Or as soon as I dance for enough nickles to afford them.  FYI If you see me outside of Publix, don’t laugh, and all donations are accepted. Remember, it’s for a good cause… eliminate pronation in our lifetime… or some nonsense like that.

Just kidding.  I think.

But anyway, all that gets us to this morning and the happy news from the scale.  Have I mentioned that I really love that Scale?  Really?  Yeah.  Best pals, that’s us.  And hopefully, by seeing some results, even if it’s just water weight, this is the motivation I need to keep going.  Keep moving.  Hey!  Genius idea!  What if I sell the couch?  That way I’ve got the money for my new shoes and I’ve also eliminated any place large enough for us to pile up like a Sloth family in the evenings. I’ll bet the dogs will be really excited about that.  Because, you know, they get excited about the opening of an envelope.  Stupid dogs.  But still, that’s two birds with one stone!  Yay!

Hello, craigslist.org… have I got a deal for you!

Day 2 – it continues…

Yes, in the interest of accountability, I’m blogging again, second day in a row… I know, shocking!  Been years since that happened.  All I guess I can add is…

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife… it’s the endtimes!

Oh, and under the heading of two days in a row, I walked again, this time at lunch.  A sunny midday stroll through downtown “The City Beautiful”, and indeed it was.  Low humidity, lots of sun, nice breeze… this is as good as it gets here in the FLA.  Everything after this?  Downhill.  But this weather?  This is why we’re so happy to have a 33803 zip code.

Yay us!

But anyway, according to Dominatrix Barbie in my iPhone, I walked 1.42 miles in 19 min. or for those of you doing the math – a 13.3 min mile, in silly peeptoe espadrille flats.  Yeah… silly shoes for power walking FTW!  Seriously rethinking those $100 Asics now… perhaps money not well-spent?


So, shoe questions aside, feel good about moving forward a second day.  Think continuity is important.  And, besides, the four of you who are reading this might be disappointed if I quit so soon.  I won’t quit.  The first day was the hardest.  But I lived through it.  And I was able to get out of bed this AM and walk and all that.  So I think I can do this.

I think I can.

Thinking, it’s half the battle, no?

Yes… yes it is…