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Nope, not a job posting, sorry.  And I can read minds you know, and I know that all three of you who just clicked in were thinking "wow! she finally won the lotto and she’s hiring that full-time Barista/Wine Boy" which as we all know is my first thing on my "Become an Instant Millionaire" checklist. 

Sadly, no.  Not the case at all.  In fact, that whole "win the lotto" retirement plan may be in complete jeopardy due to my inability to actually go into a 7/11 and buy the freakin’ tickets. 

I know, I know…

But anyway, the reason for the help wanted ad? 

Haiti. 

As shocking as it might be for some of you, in between being a self-absorbed vacuous twit, I have a social conscience.  And let me tell you, that thing is a burden at times.  Really gets in the way of all my superficial vacuousness.  And before you go giving me any blather about how US needs should be first and that we have our own poor to take care of, let me tell you that you really need to shut up.  You look stupid.  Our poor have clean water to their shack/trailer/apartment.  Our country has program after program to help our poor.  And yes, you have to fill out a bunch of paperwork, constantly.  And yes, you have to demonstrate "need".  But, dammit, if you’re going hungry in this country then you are either too lazy to do that much to help yourselves or you are too ignorant to figure out the system.  So, again, I’m going to make this point loudly to all you people who think Haiti shouldn’t be getting extraordinary aid.  SHUT UP.  I would argue the point that even the poorest American has a better life than the poor in Haiti have.  And don’t go to the "so why the hell do they have all those damned kids if they’re that desperately poor?"  Yoo hoo?  Anybody ever heard of the Catholic Church?  Um, yeah.  I think the best plan is flying all 90 gagillion Haitian orphans directly to Vatican City and saying "Here you go Pope! Have fun with that!" Cue the visual of a parade of little ones playing dress up in Benedict’s pointy hats and Pope dresses.

Heh.

But I’m just one voice, howling in the wilderness.  And I’m getting off topic.  I know, shocking.  Not like that’s anything new, right? 

Our topic today was help wanted. 

For Haiti. 

Now. 

But with a twist, because it’s in our central Florida backyard.  Yes, here in Polk County people who can are reaching out to help.  In a big way.  But the people who are spearheading this effort need all of us too. 

Right now. 

Here’s an excerpt from the email that is circulating at my office:

In the next few days, 80 orphans from Haiti will be arriving in Bartow (there will be 50 girls and 35 boys ranging in ages 3-18); please try to imagine the logistics of making this happen.  The orphans will be staying at the Word of Life Christian Center and are desperately looking for donations of bedding, towels, clothing for children (any size), non-perishable food items, toiletries, kinder mats, pillows, etc.  The need is great and anything you could donate would be greatly appreciated.

So, what can you do?  Anything?  Something?  These kids truly have nothing.  Nothing at all.  And they’re being brought here, where they know no one, and it’s up to us to show them that we care.  And I don’t know about you, but I do.  Desperately.  I for one can’t imagine my nieces or stepkids, being alone, with nothing, and dependent upon the kindness of strangers.  I can only hope if that unthinkable thing happened then somebody like me (only maybe a little more sane) would feel the same way. 

Others have thrown numbers and statistics at all of us, none of which really tells the story.  All I can say is that we really can’t imagine the true magnitude of this disaster guys.  This is something that defies description and is unimaginable to us as Americans.  These really are the people who routinely eat dirt in order to put something, anything in their stomachs.  The statistic is that at least 40% of Haitian children are severely malnourished.  You can be sure that this earthquake did not improve their lot.  Except for the two survivors who got trapped in the Hostess Twinkie aisle and the Fruit and Veggie department at their local markets.  Those two must have been the ones Pat Robertson was talking about.  I’m just saying. 

But anyway, right now this second, as I type and rewrite, there are thousands of children in Haiti who are either already dead or in the process of dying. But these 80 are going to live.  With the help of our village.  And yes, again, I know there’s lots of kids between Lakeland and Bartow who need help too.  And to their parents I say, get off your butt and fill out the paperwork.  Help is there for you.  This is very different. 

Can you help?

Please try.

The soul you save might be your own.

Really.

Update:  The Church is awaiting word on the Orphans arrival.  They have asked that we all hold off on donations until the children get here and they assess the need level.  One thing I’m sure of, if you speak either French or Creole, please contact the church.  They would probably welcome those talents with open arms. 

I would but I don’t think my single French phrase of "voulez-vous couchez avec moi" would help much.  Unless it’s naptime. 

Anyway, here’s the Church’s website for additional information:

http://www.wolccbartow.org/

Peace and love and a great big hug to all of you!  Now feel free to go get a Twinkie but don’t forget how frickin’ great it is to be in America where you can.  Oh, and don’t read the ingredients.

I’m just sayin  ;->

@boriqua Hubs just said he's hoping for Reece Witherspoon… in reply to boriqua #

@Busymom #oldandblind at first we thought it was Sheryl Crow #hopeforhaiti in reply to Busymom #

@Kleinheider In some circles that might be an improvement in reply to Kleinheider #

@FrankStrovel the sheep talked? Yikes! in reply to FrankStrovel #

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And things we shouldn’t. 

So, none of you probably know who she is, but I have this cyber-friend in Nashville who is in the process of saying the her final goodbyes to her Mom.  Her Mother has had health problems, fought Cancer a couple of times, and after many months of illness she’s near the end.  Sharon’s Mom was hospitalized last weekend because of a serious turn for the worse and with end of life instructions that state clear wishes to only be kept comfortable, she was transferred to Hospice yesterday.  Now Sharon and her sister – Sandra are with their Mom almost constantly, just to make sure her wishes are fulfilled and to make sure she isn’t alone. 

Now, the first thing I have to tell you is that all of these women have a Christian faith that is undying.  Strong.  So they all know where Barbara Jean is going after she passes on.  But it’s still tough, no matter what or who you believe in, to let the people you love leave you behind.   

For everybody. 

And for Sharon and Sandra, it’s saying goodbye to the last parent they have alive, since they lost their Dad over 18 years ago.  

I can’t imagine. 

But I’ll have to one day.  Just like they are.

Yesterday Sharon posted a note on Facebook and there was this part that really got to me:

it dawned on me that I most likely will never have a "regular" conversation with my Mom again-at least not in this life. There won’t be any more phone calls that begin with our usual greeting of "What’re you doin’?"
Geez.

And I’ve got to tell you, I’m still mentally dealing with the reverberations of those words.  Because almost unwillingly I thought about my Mom.  And my Dad.  And it made me realize one more time that I too am going to lose them.  And I can’t imagine… as aggravating as both of them can be at times… not being able to simply pick up the phone and say "hey!"

Geez.

Geez indeed. 

Sharon and family, please know that my heart goes out to all of you, even though we’ve never met.  You are all in my thoughts and heart as you take this painful step in your lifepath.  And godspeed to Barbara Jean as she passes on from you and goes to be with everyone who has already gone on before her.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find some Kleenex, and then I guess I need to call my folks.

Geez.

Live longer, that is.  Because that’s the question I’m sure Bob is asking himself after we had this early morning chat: 

Him: Are you walking this morning? (as clock is going off at 5am and I’m putting on workout gear)

Me: Yep

Him: (silence)

Me: (in ominous tone) Because one of us is going to live longer.

Him: Well, after that I guess I’m walking too.  Don’t think I’ll sleep much thinking about that.

Bliss, it just drips around here! Can’t you feel it?

• @Jess_Alyn Yay you!!! @sestegall @tweetintams R U guys running or walking? @monoyoung Hubs & Sis walking 2. All: Tweetup Breakfast after? in reply to Jess_Alyn #
• Okay all Lkld Tweeple! Disney Royal Family 5K – March 6th – Join Us! DM for details. #
• @overtlytrite Yay you! You can do it! in reply to overtlytrite #
• @sestegall me too. in reply to sestegall #
• @tweetintams r u coming 2 natalie's 2night? #
• Recognize a few faces… I think. We're the 80s really that hard on my brain cells? #
• @RussM apparently me too….
  Very sad! in reply to RussM #
• Okay, I'm pretty proud, walked the lake this morning, just spent 20 min. on Wii Fit and did two 3 min. jogs with another Mii. Yay! #
• @TweetinTams Were you sitting with Harold Moore? in reply to TweetinTams #

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I am disappointed today.

Because I’ve just got to tell you. The scenes that I’m seeing on TV and on the internet that are coming out of Haiti are simply heart breaking. Folks that’s some serious tragedy down there. On a scale that I don’t think any of us can comprehend. Hundreds of thousands who are probably dead. 45000 of which are actually American.

Hundreds of thousands. That’s like all of Knoxville. Only dead.

Wow.

And that’s why I’m more than a little disappointed in all of us.  I mean seriously, civil disobedience at UT? Twitter trending topics and Facebook groups forming left and right? And all because some douchebag Football Coach left to take a better job? And yeah, no matter how you feel about it, that’s all Lane Kiffin did. And it’s no different than the career decisions we all have to make at one point or another. Leave for a better opportunity. Because the only reason most of us get up and go to work is to provide a better life for ourselves and for our family as the case may be.

And this is new?

Or so it would seem to you guys. Like this is something that has never before happened anywhere in the world. Like this is earth-shattering news. Like this is the end of the world.

Just so you know, it’s not.

I guess that’s why I’m writing this to you – all my fellow men and women. Because every one of you need to take a deep breath and step back from the edge on this. Although I’m reasonably sure that God won’t judge you for being stupid, you can be sure that the rest of the world can and is. Because you’re all acting supremely foolish about something that truly means very little in the grand scheme of everything.

Acting like spoiled children throwing a tantrum, while an entire country lies in ruin and people die.

Yeah, really, they’re dying down there.

As in dead. As in forever.

So, now that I maybe have your attention, do yourselves a favor and STFU. If you do decide to open your mouth again then try to make the words that come out be a prayer for the poor suffering people of Haiti. Or maybe the words “how can I help?” Whatever you do or say, make it something that helps your fellow man.

I mean, I hate like heck to break this to you, but people dying is news. Not some punk-ass taking a new job. Yeah, I heard you all gasp in horror as I gored your ox. But it’s not. I realize that this might be a shock to many of you, but football teams are businesses, at every level of play. There is nobody on any team other than the random walk-on millionaire who is getting out there and sweating their balls off just for the love of the game. Really. Everybody on the field at either the college or NFL level is out there because that’s their job.

Yeah.

And when you look at it that way, this means that they aren’t any different than you and me. And if you disagree then I’ve got to ask you why? Why do you work? For some higher ideal or for money?

And if your answer didn’t contain some words that sound suspiciously like “for the money” then you’re either A) a member of the clergy, B) homeless, or C) lying through your teeth.

I’m just sayin.

And I’m also just sayin’ that if you do any kind of job anywhere then you already know that in the real world contracts get broken every day. And when it happens somebody pays a penalty and everybody moves on. Oh, it might be frustrating and at times it might make your job harder to do but it’s part of life.

But death and dying? Large-scale destruction of a country? That’s nowhere near the same. Not even close. Oh yes, it’s part of life, but it’s also what most people regard as a real tragedy.  Not like some punk-ass getting a promotion. 

I guess my point is that Lane Kiffin leaving UT is indeed nothing more than a blip.  But Haiti?  That should be the first thing in the news and on our minds everywhere. This should have put all of us on our knees thanking God Almighty that it didn’t happen to us. That our lives were spared.

This time.

But we could be next.

Because, sh!t happens.

Yet another conversation yesterday as we sorted, categorized, and alphabetized the DVDs: 

Him: How are you filing this stack?  

Her: Oh, those are all classics, they go together.  

Him: I understand 12 Angry Men & Gone with the Wind but Apocalypse Now? Really?  How do you figure?  

Her: It’s easy, they’re all old.    

Him: Okay, so old equals Classic.  Well then, I’m old, am I a classic?  

Her: No, you’re mostly just weird, with a little Ass Hat thrown in for fun.  I’d definitely file you under Indies.

And yes, in my house all the DVDs are categorized and alphabetized. I know, amazing.  It’s probably one of my more endearing OCD traits.  And he doesn’t share it.  So you can imagine the fun we have with this one…

KABOOM!

(which is the sound my head makes when it explodes after I find The Dark Knight misfiled – again – under either B for "Batman" or D for "Don’t care where it goes" or H for "I’m in a hurry and I’m just stuffing this in wherever, she’ll never notice".)

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Welcome to Saturday!  In the coldest place on Earth – relatively speaking anyway.  And in honor of that cold, we’re staying home and unpacking.  And cleaning as we sort and unpack.  And pitching out a bunch of crap.  A bunch. 

Yeah, really.

I know, you’re shocked.  We’ve been the poster children for hoarders for so long, why change now?  Why?  Well, because it was time.  Because I’m tired of carrying around a bunch of dead weight.  On my butt and in my boxes. 

There’s a trend here.

Anyway, today’s victim was the bathroom.  And boy is it organized and cleaned out now!  Yay us!

But when I started the cleaning all I could say was…

BITCH PLEASE!!!

Because whoever Sista Woman was who lived here before?  She had her some long wildebeest hair.  And she had a 2 can a day Aquanet habit to go with that furry mess.

No kidding.

I had to seriously spray down all the tile with scrubbing bubbles, let it soak, sponge it off, then spray the Earth-friendly treehugger spray I would prefer to use all the time.  And then I sponged that off and paper toweled the whole mess. 

And that was after I soaked the Plantation blind in Clorox in the bathtub for an hour. 

Yeah.  A whole hour.

And lets’ don’t even get into me having to use my Scum Buster to scrub the tile around and behind the toilet.  Disgusting doesn’t even begin to describe that.  I think I threw up a little when I had to touch the hairs. 

All. The. Hairs.

But it’s clean now.  Next!