Changing… evolving… becoming…

Something? Well, what we’re not entirely sure, but it’s going to certainly be something. Or we’re changing for the sake of change… sometimes it feels like that anyway but I sure hope not. However there are days when it feels like we take the pieces of our life and toss them into the air just to see where they land. Like some bizarre game of 52 card pickup, only with people and places and things.

Remember, God always laughs when we make plans… always.

But yeah, we’ve got that change thing going on again… as you’re probaby aware if you follow my Facebook feed any at all. More changes. First, the good news… FunEmployment 2015 is over and I have a new job. Not going into the specifics, already done that other places and thanks everyone for all of your encouragement and kind words! As for what I’m doing, well it’s a brand new thing for me and the best description is some sort of bastart love child created from everything I’ve ever done in the past. Yep, that about sums it up.

Hooray for new challenges and opportunities!

Also filed under yet another big change… the other half’s finally decided to do what we both agree is necessary for his Mom… just be there. It’s important and it’s worth it. We’ve hopefully got an entire life ahead of us… she doesn’t… enough said, decision made. The best way to put it is that if it’s this hard to do then it’s probably the right thing to do.

Just sayin.

So life goes back to the separate and equal world we’ve been living in off and on this year. I will miss him fierce, just like he will miss me, but we’re grownups and we do what we have to do. Life is about adapting and moving forward. Evolution, despite what that total moron Ben Carson says, is very real and happening to every one of us every day. We change, we adapt, we find solutions, we reroute, we move forward…

Or we die.

Wow… pretty hard choices… only not really. Change is part of everything. Change is what it takes for us to remain viable. I don’t know about you but viability to me is very much an important thing. In fact being viable is why I’m still here… how about you?

To close this I’ll borrow JFK’s words…

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

Make a difference… embrace the change… grab life with both hands and live – today and tomorrow. Remember, you only get one shot at this…

make it count.

Talking it out…

So… yeah… last post? A bit raw.  Sorry.  No warning on that one.  Just needed to start talking about what we’re going through.  Because the whole “not talking about it” thing? Well that just wasn’t working out for me.  For either of us actually.  While Bob might be okay with it, I am not the type that suffers in silence.

Um, no.

So I started talking.  And now I’m doing it again.  Because you know, I think I’m a little angry right now.  And this is a good spot for me to voice that.  Let that out.  Give myself permission to be angry.  And let it go.

(cue chorus of most. annoying. song. ever.)

I am angry.  Very angry.  This year was not supposed to be like this.  This year was supposed to be about us.  What we want. What we need.  And it isn’t.  Not at all.  And it’s not likely to change any time soon.  And I am angry.

Very angry.

We’ve needed the year we had planned for a very long time.  A year of introspection, working on us, doing what we need to make us better.  It’s easy for that stuff to get lost in the busyness that daily life brings.  But we had decided to recalibrate and make the effort to refind ourselves.  To work on us.  After we had worked on our diet, our exercise, education… this was our time.

But it’s not.

Instead we’re dealing with this other whole mess.  This mess that will not be resolved anytime soon.  This mess that has us physically apart, and mentally connected via texts/calls/Facebook posts.  Totally not the same thing.  Trust me.  And we’re trying to figure out the rules to this new paradigm because apparently living in a small town creates another angle to this story that neither of us had taken the time to consider.  The PR of being separated but not separating.  Because while my emotional life is a mess, my actual life is going on.  I do the same things I did before Bob left.  I go out with friends for dinner, for drinks, for dancing. I go to the gym.  I walk the dog.  I go shopping.

My life has not changed.

But apparently it was supposed to?  Because there’s been rumors and things that have gotten to my ears that there’s talk.  That it doesn’t look like I’m very unhappy.  That I appear to be doing just fine.  Because I’m not wearing black and wailing as I walk about downtown?  Oh really?  Well let me be blunt in my answer to whomever might be saying or thinking that about me… f*?k you.

Yes, you. F*$k you.

There, I feel so much better.  Now if you’ll excuse me… I think I have a bright colored dress to put on and some dancing to do.  And Bob is pretty sure he’s going running tomorrow, eating dinner out whenever he wants, and (quelle horror!) he might even go to a movie and read a few books while he’s dealing with something no one can even imagine.   Because that’s what we both need to do – let our lives go on as normally as we can while we’re living through wartime.  Life goes on.  We’re living it the best we can.  And we know our truth…

You do not.

Oh, and if you see me at Pigfest this weekend please wave but you really need to just keep walking.  I’ll be having a drink and some laughs with friends. And I’m reasonably sure you’re not in that number. Life goes on.  Even if you choose not to live it.

I’m living.

F*$k you.

Life during Wartime…

I think I’ve been separated since 2014… no, wait, I have… wow.  Who’da thunk that?

After all the travel in the Fall and Holiday season of ’14, our plan as a couple was to reunite and tackle 2015 and our list of goals and challenges for the year together.  No more alone time, no more separations, just us again… because neither of us were particularly happy with that situation, even though we both understood the reasons.

For the record? God laughs when you start making plans.  Loudly.  Because if you’re a friend on Facebook then you already know that our household is currently ripped apart, again, and this time it may be a while before we’re back in the same state, let alone same house.  Because while I came home from my trip rested and refreshed, Bob came home with the knowledge that there were serious health concerns with his Mother and caregiving was needed ASAP.  And at the airport, when I went to pick him up on January 4th, he told me this, and he told me he was volunteering to take this on.  For however long it takes.  Because that’s what his Mom did for him.

And I understand.

But a week later he was gone, and I’ve been alone ever since.  Alone again.  With all those challenges for 2015 staring me down, and no partner to help me sort them out.  Of course the problems he has out there were and are so all-consuming that I just don’t feel right about sharing all the silly and ridiculous shit I’ve got going on with him.  But for me this is like losing my other brain.  My sounding board.  I am constantly providing support and reassurance to him, but I’m trying to remain self-contained and keep my fears, worries, and concerns to myself. And yes, I know I sound like I’m whining.  I am in fact doing exactly that.  Because I’m allowed.  Because I can.

This is hard y’all.

I realized the other day that I’ve been married/living with someone for most of the last 20 years.  I never thought of myself as the type who needed someone around.  In fact, for a long time I’ve prided myself on not being one of those women.  I was lying. And the thing I struggle with the most?  The thing that’s the hardest?  That thing is someone just being present.  Someone to talk to.  Someone to argue with.  Someone’s weight on the other side of the bed, even if I don’t reach out and touch them.  Someone to just be there.

I miss that.

And for those of you keeping score at home, no, we’re not having any out-of-the-ordinary marital difficulties, beyond our usual “did you really just eat an Everything bagel on my clean countertop and not wipe up any of the crumbs?” level of crap anyway.  And I think those issues will likely continue until one of us (I’m looking at you Bob) can no longer eat Bagels, or any other solid food for that matter.  But I can tell you that even if a relationship is rock solid, this is hard shit.  Because every day I’m alone is another day that no one is there for me or him.  And it’s another opportunity for me to make yet another minute adjustment toward a solitary life.  A life that we got by default, and that I resent even as I embrace it ever reluctantly.

This is hard.

I’m angry but I’m conflicted because I would do the same thing.  Even if I resent the hell out of his sense of duty and love.  I know this will pass but I just want this to be over, even if I’m not sure it ever will end.  And even as I simultaneously learn that there are things about being alone that aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be.

All of that… at once.

So keep us in your thoughts.  Growing older is not for the faint of heart.  We’re struggling with it.  I keep looking at my wrist and the two twin bracelets there that say “It Is What It Is” and “Everything Happens for a Reason” and I know these words are true.  I just know that there are times when I don’t like accepting them, and now is one of those times.

Now.

So this is Christmas…

The spirit has been hard to find this year. Too busy, too rushed, too much going on, too too too… yeah. That. Not sure what the true “Big Bad” is for me, lots of changes happening but I don’t think that’s it. It’s just a different holiday, from our lack of a tree to traveling 2 weeks before the celebration. It’s just elusive for me. Like it’s hiding and I don’t know where to find it and I don’t have time to look. But today I’m taking a moment to remember. To think. To just be Christmas. Because I really need some Christmas. Right this very minute. I really need to just get back in touch with me.

To. Just. Be.

And while I’m doing this thing. While I’m being. I want to take a moment and wish everyone in our lives the happiest of Christmases and the best 2015 it’s possible to have. Even though we don’t say so every day, because it’s Christmas and at Christmas you always tell the truth, please know that your friendship and love is the gift we celebrate every day and we’re glad you’re a part of our lives.

So today, do me this favor. Take your own moment from the rush and crazy. Pause for just a second. Look around and consider and remember. Because Christmas is so much more than gifts, decorations, parties, and food. To quote the Grinch, “Christmas it seems is so very much more.” It’s in the memories of people and Christmases long gone. It’s in the sound of carols, sung off-key, by people who just want to share their love, even if it’s imperfectly done. It’s in the excited smiles of children who just can’t wait to see what’s going to be under that tree tomorrow morning.

Christmas… it seems… is everywhere. If you look for it that is. But the one place you need to find it is in your heart.

Feel it in your heart, and just be Christmas.

Just be enough.

Just be.

Christmas.

You are my sunshine…

you-are-my-sunshine

Moving my Valentine’s Cheese…

ocd-and-add

As most of you know, OCD issues abound in our Casa.  In fact, I might wager that between the two of us we’ve got enough “little” issues that they all might qualify as Subscriptions – lifetime version – to the Crazy People Quarterly.  And really, most of those issues are with things that other “normal” people don’t even notice, but that either of us will lose our shiz over.  Things like other people using my coverlet blanket (I have to wash it before I’ll ever let it touch me again).  Like unplanned things to do or changes to our schedule (we start at no, I work Bob to a yes).  Like oversized everyday objects like those great big sunglasses and pencils in every souvenir shop everywhere (triggers feelings of being overwhelmed or out of control in me, can’t even look at them let alone touch them).  Mixed foods, eating meals out of order, brushing your teeth after a shower rather than before… yeah, all of these, triggers for either one or both of us.

And you know you’re laughing… hell, so am I!  But that’s life around here.  We work around it, deal with it, accommodate it, and we live as normally as crazy people can, because life is like that.  You just deal.

One of my more infamous quirks though (and the one that probably causes me the most grief) is my tendency to make very elaborate and detailed plans for events and celebrations and then have no coping skills that allow me to handle it when something inevitably goes wrong and my plans don’t work out the way I planned.  This, of course, seems to happen with frequency, probably due to my overachiever nature colliding with life’s unpredictability, but when this happens?  Yeah, I’m not a happy camper.  I get stressed, irrationally angry, and then I get sad – in other words I go through the stages of mourning over the loss of my plans just like I do the death of a real person. Regrouping and changing plans?  Well, that takes a while.  First I have to do the steps of grief, every time this happens.  Yes, really.  All of them.

I know… W.T.F.????

And despite knowing this and understanding it so well, yeah, it happened with Valentine’s Day this year.  And I’m still verklempt over it.  And shaking my head at the ridiculousness of feeling these feelings and being upset still.  Ridiculous.  See?  That’s the thing with OCD stuff.  You know it’s crazy, you know it’s ridiculous, but you can’t just stop it from bothering you.  Like the spelling of OCD.  Who did that anyway?  It should be alphabetized dammit!  Bugs the crap out of me every time I write it.  Oh, wait, here I go again… and we’re off on a tangent.  Another problem I have – ADD – and oh hey!  Look at that shiny squirrel!

Squirrel!

And we’re back, to Valentine’s Day, and my plans, that were ruined by Orlando traffic, and the disagreeableness that ensued.  Because you can bet your ass that it ensued.  First, you have to know that I hate my 100 mile plus commute every day.  Yes, I love my job, I really really do.  But I purely hate that damned drive.  In fact every day I hate it just a little bit more.  It’s become a palpable thing, that hatred.  It’s my commute partner, sitting in the other seat, that I grumble to all the way to Winter Park and back home again.  Every. Day.  And the main reason for my ire?  The unpredictability of the damned thing.  I just never know what it’s going to be like.  I can’t plan for anything at home in the evenings because I don’t know what traffic hand I’ll be dealt any particular day.  And there’s a lot that can go wrong in the 60 miles I drive every afternoon.  Some days I’m lucky and it’s only a bit over an hour… other days (Like, oh, yesterday? Yeah I’m looking at you!) it’s over 2 hours and that’s with leaving work at 4:45 instead of 5:45.

#dammit

And, of course, this is on the day when I’ve got plans, elaborate plans, planned out to the nth degree, of a fabulous menu for a delicious meal, that I had painstakingly built, taking care to mix and match tastes and textures for the perfect over-the-top comfort food meal I could make.  Yeah… er, that didn’t happen.

Yeah.

So, um, yeah… angry doesn’t really do those feelings justice.  When I had to go to Publix and buy a steak.  For a steak dinner that could be on the table by 8pm.  So we wouldn’t be up until 11pm eating dinner.  Because of traffic.  Feckin’ traffic.  Because of my commute.  Which ran over my carefully laid out plans.  Like traffic tends to do.  And yes, before you ask, the substitute meal was delicious.  But because I spent so much time planning the other meal in my head I just know that it wasn’t as good as the original meal I expected to serve.  And remember, I cook to relieve stress after a hard day at work.

Um, okay, if you say so…

The evening, of course, was good despite all this drama.  We enjoyed the substitute menu, and afterward we watched two new episodes of “House of Cards”.  In other words, Valentine’s Day for old married couples who’ve been doing this long enough to know that being all crazy in love isn’t limited to one day a year.  But still… the missing dinner… I’m still disappointed we didn’t get that.  I’ll do it Sunday because I have plenty of time then… but it just isn’t the same.  So damn you Orlando traffic.  And damn you OCD for being so crazymaking.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a blanket or two to wash.  I know somebody wrapped up in them.  I just know it.  And since it’s coldish these days I need lots of blankets to wrap up in.  Gotta have options… even if I don’t plan for it.  That’s my evil plan, right?

Yeah.

Food for thought…

not-perfect

Sharing from a friend… because I’m a long-time victim of perfection paralysis. Imagine how good you could be if you just let go of perfect?