Lessons learned… again…

Confession… I hate needing people. Worse than pretty much anything in the world. Feeling needy to me is a total admission of weakness. I am instantly turned into a 5 year old child when I have to reach out for help… and I’m always terrified that I’ll be turned away or refused. So I try everything I can to never need anyone. Never be vulnerable. Never open up.

Never.

Until I have no choice. Until I can’t not reach out. Until I exhaust all possibilities. Until I just can’t.

Spoiler alert… sometimes I can’t.

And when I can’t? So. Much. Drama. When adulting fails me it’s usually big and messy and with lots of tears and such. Because I’m so scared. Because I’m not comfortable with being vulnerable. But that’s when I have to be brave. Have to reach out. Have to take a risk. Have to hope that someone will catch me when I fall. It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally it does.

But I hate it.

However… I’m learning. Slowly. Carefully. Painfully. Learning. Like I learned this weekend – in several ways. Because when I reached out this weekend several hands caught me. Strong hands. Smart hands. Hands that comforted me. Hands that helped me. Hands that showed me solutions. Many hands. Together. Helping me find answers. Helping me find comfort. Showing me I’m not alone.

I am not alone.

And today I’m feeling stronger. Feeling more adultish. Feeling like I can do this thing called life. Because today I really do know that I have people around me who will not let me fall. And I am no longer afraid.

Wow.

Today’s lesson? My village is bigger than I think. People care when you let them. And love is around me all the time, whether I see it or not. Thank you to everyone in my life who helped me realize this… once again. Sometimes I’m a slow learner but I’m getting there. Life has been a challenge these last few weeks… but when I faltered I found help… ready and waiting, and that’s when I knew…

That’s when you carried me.

So thanks Ted, Rich & Caren, Charlie & Alex, Matt, Jody & Scott, Brian, and my family. I feel the love and I am blessed.

You are my village.

I love you.

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Lather, rinse, repeat…

Monday

If we weren’t all crazy…

Wait, what am I saying? Of course we are. Thus making the entire opening line totally irrelevant. But it’s a common error… what looks like crazy to others might actually be someone else’s entire definition of sane.

But I digress. And overstate the obvious. As usual. You’re welcome.

Another weekend of inn-keeping with my AirBnb side gig and it went pretty well. A family this time – a Mom and her in-laws traveling here for Florida Southern College Family Weekend – and I think they enjoyed their stay. Know they liked the amenities… but then I do tend to go a bit further than the average host. Nothing succeeds like excess, right?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Again the guests were fairly low maintenance, again I didn’t really do anything but just stay out of the way, and again there was no real imposition on my weekend routine. The split design of my house is what I think makes a difference. Once I close the French Doors to my end of the house it’s over. I never even know they’re there. Until they start making coffee and I smell it… and I wake up temporarily confused because I forgot someone was in the house with me.

Yikes!

But anyway… it was successful for both parties, and I have to confess that I’m starting to like it. It’s nice to have someone around occasionally. Believe it or not living alone isn’t always all its cracked up to be. Having that feeling of people around is nice. Especially since they’re paying to be here.

Bonus!

But now it’s Monday and I’ve already changed the beds back there, scrubbed the guest bathroom, and ran the vacuum and dusted both rooms. Being hyper efficient is a curse sometimes. And clearly I need more to do if I’ve already done all of that and it’s only 9:15.

More Monday… now with actual efficiency… who knew I could do that?

Er, yeah…

Again with the Monday?

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So here we are, another Monday, and yet not quite the same. No two are ever alike I think.

I hope anyway.

And this week feels better somehow. Even though nothing has changed in any discernible way. It still has. Changed that is. Things are different. And although I’ll never be counted as a fan of Mondays this one might be okay.

This one is different.

So, because this is my annual week of thankfulness, when I take the time to pause and remember what I’m grateful for, I’ll kick it off with this bit of puzzlement:

I’m grateful for Mondays.

Life is a balance of good and bad, sublime and awful, beautiful and sordid… Mondays are a part of that order of things. How could we know to love Saturdays if we didn’t have Mondays to compare them to?

Would we ever know how sweet dessert is if we never had to eat our vegetables?

Mondays are the vegetables of our lives. They can be mundane, horrifying, or simply awful, but they teach things that we cannot learn on Thursdays. So I am grateful for Mondays. Because as long as you are still learning you are still living. And as long as you’re still living then you’re still alive.

Live on. To Monday and beyond.

Yeah.

Because every day needs a soundtrack…

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“An infinite question is often destroyed by finite answers. To define everything is to annihilate much that gives us laughter and joy.”

Madeleine L’Engle

There are sometimes strong winds that blow open the doors that we need to hide behind for our very survival. Is it safer to open the door on our own and take the chance of either destroying everything we have or saving it all by letting the wind pass through and leave us untouched? Or should we nail our doors closed, take refuge in the darkness they provide, and live in fear for the rest of our lives that we may be tested again?

Sometimes things happen. And always things happen for a reason. Sometimes, though, the reasons aren’t the ones we originally see. And while getting the real reason is tempting, intriguing, and can be soul-satisfying in the extreme, it is also usually the most dangerous and risky thing we choose to do. Because the search will usually mean that things continue to happen. And everything happens for a reason.

Frequently life offers answers to questions that weren’t asked. Solutions to riddles that are ridiculous and never should be solved. Landings for thoughts that circle endlessly in an infinite loop that stretches for eons that we never really wanted to know. And sometimes life is filled with inscrutable answers that answer nothing at all.

Once in a lifetime we open up boxes that cannot be closed. Sometimes we learn more than we need in order to survive in our organized and tidy little world. Sometimes we only needed to know a little, not a lot. But the questions we ask are not small questions and the answers are much larger than we ever expected.

Sometimes it’s just Monday.

And sometimes it’s not.