Oh Monday…

The one where I carry on about getting older…

 

So this year… already this year is trying me. Pushing hard. Even though I’m in a good place professionally… personally it’s already been a bit of a struggle. We lost two people yesterday… one who is a dear friend who lost his too-short battle with Thyroid cancer and the other is my first cousin Eli who passed from complications due to gastric bypass surgery.

The idea that you can lose your life while trying to live longer is more than my mind can handle today… frankly. And the idea that you can fight as hard as you have the ability to do so and even the best of medical science is imperfect and you can still lose your fight… that’s another thing I’m also struggling with today. But both of those things are fodder for another day. Today… today I’m dealing with one of the worst parts of growing older… ending up alone.

I actually wrote this post in my head on Saturday when I was out running errands… as we knew our friend was losing his battle with the big C. Truly had no idea that my cousin was in the process of dying. What a weekend?! #amIright?

(Cancer… BTW… is a twat waffle… of the highest order… and I don’t wish it on the worst enemy I might ever have in my life. But again… I digress.)

(Also, because sometimes we turn into variations on the olde European peasants that we are descended from, imagine the humor of us doing people inventory to try to determine who the 3d death will be… because you know they always travel in threes. Yeah… Sunday night was a veritable party up in here!)

Anyway, given that this year I will turn 59, and this year (like last year, and it’s sibling the year before) I’m dealing with the multitude of things that go along with being nearly 60 years old, growing older is something that is pretty much in my head a lot these days. I’m not handling it well at all honestly… even if I’m being relatively quiet about it most of the time. And yes, given how I opened this post, I’m very well aware that I’m still enjoying the benefit of being alive and growing older… and that’s a damned gift that at least two more people in my life will not get. However, the fact that both are gone, in a relative instant, and we’re left behind without them is the point of this post. (See! I told you there was a point to this… I know you were starting to doubt that… told’ja so!)

I think that being left behind is probably the worst part of growing old. You lose everyone as you move forward. One at a time. They leave you here to remember them, to cry for them, and to cry for yourself because you end up alone if you’re lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on how you see it) to live a long life. I guess that’s why I’m glad that my circle is varied in age groups… at least I have a marginal chance of keeping one or two of them with me as I move forward into my senior years. Maybe? Not sure… I tend to know people who seem to have a deathwish at times… so put down the damned cigarettes Caren, Charlie & Alex… NOW!

Anyway… I remember my Mom’s Sister, Shash Anne, saying something along these lines to me before she left to join that incredible party upstairs in 2021. She said that the hardest part is being left behind… and having no one left to talk to who remembered the many things she still treasured in her memories. The silence… the spaces… the shapes you still see that are empty to everyone else around you. She still saw them… but everyone else in those spaces was gone.

Unimaginable. Or it used to be. Until now… until it starts sinking in that those days are rapidly approaching. That I will be there in not so many years… if I’m lucky (unlucky) enough to be left behind. Turning 60 next year. Who saw that shit coming? Who knew I’d manage to grow this old and still not grow up? Outliving a husband, surviving a marriage that should have been a good friendship, seeing a child grow into an amazing, funny, brilliant son, enjoying a sister that I find daily I would be lost without, and finding my erstwhile soulmate who is likely the most aggravating, annoying, and yet loving and caring man I could imagine at a point in my life when I figured that ship had sailed without me on it. These are the things I am carrying… these are the things I cannot imagine living without. And yet, there are no guarantees.

So today’s lesson? Live. Live loudly. Live hard. Wear your life out. Don’t hesitate. Just live. And if you’re lucky (unlucky) enough to outlive all of your circle, hold onto your life and tell everyone around you how there was once a place called your life and you’re still living it. Build a new circle and tell them about the old one… then have them help you keep those flames alive. Create rituals and reminders, build them into your routines, and don’t ever forget unless you don’t get a choice on that one. Live your life as loudly and as long as you can. Say I love you every time you get the chance. And don’t ever fully grow up.

Turning 60… sure beats the alternative… but damn… I’m pretty sure nobody ever pictured it like this.

Alone.

And the world keeps spinning…

So hi! It’s been a while I guess. Not sure where to even start if I were going to write a catch-up post… so yeah, suffice to say that things. have. changed.

All of the things.

So I’ll make an attempt to give the less than 3 day version of that catchup. I’m back in Lakeland, back in my home on Belmar, my contract job is now my full-time dream job and I am a permanent employee with benefits and such for the first time since 2015. The divorce is officially a thing… albeit a very slothlike thing… and with any luck we may be divorced sometime before we both die.

Cue the eyeroll and side eye…

No, I’m not kidding… that’s how these things work when lawyers are running them. It’s a process, that we don’t control, and nobody appears to be in a hurry so we’re moving at the speed of turtles, running in molasses, and that’s apparently okay. So we keep doing our separated thing and trying to be supportive of each other’s individual happiness. We’re not acrimonious. But we put others in charge and we don’t have an agreement so we’re stuck.

It is what it is.

I came back home to Lakeland in September and I think I came home a little bit changed. Punta Gorda was good for me I think. I got in touch with myself a lot more, had some adventures, learned a lot about what I don’t want from people, situations, and relationships, and then I came home when it was time. Now I am happier, more centered, and less lost than I’ve been in years.

I know… what fun is that?

I’ve found peace. I’ve found different sides of me that I didn’t know I had. I’m still evolving and changing. I like me… even if I surprise myself every day in some small way. I’ve gone through some very hard things this last year, things that have made me step back from my life and re-evaluate who I allow to be in my life in a personal role. I’ve learned that I’m far more accepting of others and their choices than I ever was before. And I’ve realized that I really do miss being able to talk to my Mom because I understand her and her choices today far more than I did when she was making them and I was so very harsh and condemning.

I’m sorry Mom… I love you and miss you every day… and I still wish I could have another conversation with you. Perhaps one day… perhaps…

So yeah… that’s life in a thumbnail sketch these days… full, happy, secure, and honestly blessed. I am focused on the future and no longer trying to go back to the past. I have the tightest circle and they’ve helped me through some awful shit the past months. I know who loves me. I know who values me. And I know who has my six. They’ve had it through things I didn’t ever imagine would happen. They happened. Things went to hell. Or my version of hell. And my circle brought me back.

Thanks for saving me. There aren’t enough words to thank you so I’ll just say this. I love you. Forever.

I’m focused on giving back these days. Making this place I love a better place. I know that as bad as things were for me there’s a lot of people who would love to have my life. There are many people who look at me with envy. To those who much is given much is expected. And that’s my focus. To fulfill those expectations. Pay it forward. Remember the kindness and love that was shown to me and do the same for others.

Life is good y’all… really good.

So I guess after all this… the wrap up thought is this. Live your life today and don’t be afraid to fail. Take that chance. Make that move. Don’t hold onto something that isn’t bringing joy just because it’s better than nothing. Reach for joy. You might not get it…

But then again you might.

Telling all of the truth…

Before I go into this, I have to confess that this has been a very hard post to write. Social media, you see, is a funny thing… you think you see someone’s life but in fact you really don’t. You only see what that person wants you to see. Which most of the time is the very much sanitized and “ready for primetime” version. I too am guilty of this, very much so in fact. Even with the heartfelt posts I share and the brutal honesty I tend to include in my words, they’re still not everything that’s going on in my life. Nor should they be. Because being good at telling my story means knowing which stories to tell.

And which ones not to share, ever.

Actually I used to eyeroll my Nana when someone would make the mistake of asking her how she was doing and she’d tell them about everything including her bunions (oh my lord the worst ever) and the perils of buying decent girdles (don’t ask for specifics, seriously, just don’t). I finally told her one day that nobody really wants to know, that they were just being polite, and her reply was that if they didn’t really want to know then they shouldn’t ask.

That’s the rule – don’t ask.

But you didn’t ask, and yet here we are, with me writing again. Because I’m ready to tell the truth finally about something that is very sad and very hard that is going on in our lives. And I’m caveating this with the statement that I hope no one will feel the need to try to make this a scandal or anything ridiculous like that. To be sure, what’s happening isn’t a good thing but it is a necessary thing and it will hopefully eventually result in something good for us. I hope so anyway. And as for why we’re telling everyone like this… simply put… it’s faster. Our immediate family knows. They’ve supported us both as we started this journey. Now we’re bringing the rest of our world into the circle.

So… without any more noise…

As most of you know Robert and I have been separated for quite a long time. We have finally made a decision about our long-term future and we want to share this decision with our friends and family. After 2 plus years of separation we have finally begun the journey toward divorce. To be very clear with everyone, we are not angry with each other and we do not intend anyone in our shared circle of friends and family to feel like they need to take sides. We’re on the same side – each other’s – and we hope all of you will remain the same. We both feel much sadness over the loss of our marriage but we intend to work very hard to maintain our friendship which has always been the bedrock of our relationship and honestly the only thing that has kept us together when there was little else to hold onto. Truthfully no one will ever make me laugh or smile the way Bob does, no one will ever really “get” him and push his boundaries the way I do, and our political and philosophical discussions will I’m quite sure continue on for a very long time. We still have much love for each other and for our shared family and friends and we hope all of you will bear with us as we navigate this new path both together and apart.

There… ugh!

Now I’m sure I heard the collective non-gasp. For something that is definitely non-news. And I want it to be very clear that this wasn’t a decision we came to hastily. We’ve considered lots of different things, looked at many ideas, but the reality is that we’re just too far apart and some things can’t be fixed. Love, it seems, just isn’t quite enough.

Who knew?

So go hug your significant other right now and be grateful for them and what they bring to your life. And don’t worry about me or Bob. We’re going to be okay… eventually… and maybe sooner. We’re working on it. And we appreciate our village as we live through this thing.

Thanks.

Finding joy in everything…

Buy the shoes.jpeg

So as I’ve alluded on here a couple of times, things have been a bit stressful and chaotic in my life recently. The happy base is good… no worries there… but there’s been a lot of things happening outside of my bubble that have been causing me quite a bit of sadness and stress.

You know… lots of life coming at me at 200 mph… it’s my own special torture… don’t try this at home kids.

Continue reading →

Lessons learned… again…

Confession… I hate needing people. Worse than pretty much anything in the world. Feeling needy to me is a total admission of weakness. I am instantly turned into a 5 year old child when I have to reach out for help… and I’m always terrified that I’ll be turned away or refused. So I try everything I can to never need anyone. Never be vulnerable. Never open up.

Never.

Continue reading →

If we weren’t all crazy…

Wait, what am I saying? Of course we are. Thus making the entire opening line totally irrelevant. But it’s a common error… what looks like crazy to others might actually be someone else’s entire definition of sane.

But I digress. And overstate the obvious. As usual. You’re welcome.

Another weekend of inn-keeping with my AirBnb side gig and it went pretty well. A family this time – a Mom and her in-laws traveling here for Florida Southern College Family Weekend – and I think they enjoyed their stay. Know they liked the amenities… but then I do tend to go a bit further than the average host. Nothing succeeds like excess, right?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Again the guests were fairly low maintenance, again I didn’t really do anything but just stay out of the way, and again there was no real imposition on my weekend routine. The split design of my house is what I think makes a difference. Once I close the French Doors to my end of the house it’s over. I never even know they’re there. Until they start making coffee and I smell it… and I wake up temporarily confused because I forgot someone was in the house with me.

Yikes!

But anyway… it was successful for both parties, and I have to confess that I’m starting to like it. It’s nice to have someone around occasionally. Believe it or not living alone isn’t always all its cracked up to be. Having that feeling of people around is nice. Especially since they’re paying to be here.

Bonus!

But now it’s Monday and I’ve already changed the beds back there, scrubbed the guest bathroom, and ran the vacuum and dusted both rooms. Being hyper efficient is a curse sometimes. And clearly I need more to do if I’ve already done all of that and it’s only 9:15.

More Monday… now with actual efficiency… who knew I could do that?

Er, yeah…

Again with the Monday?

monday-2

So here we are, another Monday, and yet not quite the same. No two are ever alike I think.

I hope anyway.

And this week feels better somehow. Even though nothing has changed in any discernible way. It still has. Changed that is. Things are different. And although I’ll never be counted as a fan of Mondays this one might be okay.

This one is different.

So, because this is my annual week of thankfulness, when I take the time to pause and remember what I’m grateful for, I’ll kick it off with this bit of puzzlement:

I’m grateful for Mondays.

Life is a balance of good and bad, sublime and awful, beautiful and sordid… Mondays are a part of that order of things. How could we know to love Saturdays if we didn’t have Mondays to compare them to?

Would we ever know how sweet dessert is if we never had to eat our vegetables?

Mondays are the vegetables of our lives. They can be mundane, horrifying, or simply awful, but they teach things that we cannot learn on Thursdays. So I am grateful for Mondays. Because as long as you are still learning you are still living. And as long as you’re still living then you’re still alive.

Live on. To Monday and beyond.

Yeah.