And the world keeps spinning…

So hi! It’s been a while I guess. Not sure where to even start if I were going to write a catch-up post… so yeah, suffice to say that things. have. changed.

All of the things.

So I’ll make an attempt to give the less than 3 day version of that catchup. I’m back in Lakeland, back in my home on Belmar, my contract job is now my full-time dream job and I am a permanent employee with benefits and such for the first time since 2015. The divorce is officially a thing… albeit a very slothlike thing… and with any luck we may be divorced sometime before we both die.

Cue the eyeroll and side eye…

No, I’m not kidding… that’s how these things work when lawyers are running them. It’s a process, that we don’t control, and nobody appears to be in a hurry so we’re moving at the speed of turtles, running in molasses, and that’s apparently okay. So we keep doing our separated thing and trying to be supportive of each other’s individual happiness. We’re not acrimonious. But we put others in charge and we don’t have an agreement so we’re stuck.

It is what it is.

I came back home to Lakeland in September and I think I came home a little bit changed. Punta Gorda was good for me I think. I got in touch with myself a lot more, had some adventures, learned a lot about what I don’t want from people, situations, and relationships, and then I came home when it was time. Now I am happier, more centered, and less lost than I’ve been in years.

I know… what fun is that?

I’ve found peace. I’ve found different sides of me that I didn’t know I had. I’m still evolving and changing. I like me… even if I surprise myself every day in some small way. I’ve gone through some very hard things this last year, things that have made me step back from my life and re-evaluate who I allow to be in my life in a personal role. I’ve learned that I’m far more accepting of others and their choices than I ever was before. And I’ve realized that I really do miss being able to talk to my Mom because I understand her and her choices today far more than I did when she was making them and I was so very harsh and condemning.

I’m sorry Mom… I love you and miss you every day… and I still wish I could have another conversation with you. Perhaps one day… perhaps…

So yeah… that’s life in a thumbnail sketch these days… full, happy, secure, and honestly blessed. I am focused on the future and no longer trying to go back to the past. I have the tightest circle and they’ve helped me through some awful shit the past months. I know who loves me. I know who values me. And I know who has my six. They’ve had it through things I didn’t ever imagine would happen. They happened. Things went to hell. Or my version of hell. And my circle brought me back.

Thanks for saving me. There aren’t enough words to thank you so I’ll just say this. I love you. Forever.

I’m focused on giving back these days. Making this place I love a better place. I know that as bad as things were for me there’s a lot of people who would love to have my life. There are many people who look at me with envy. To those who much is given much is expected. And that’s my focus. To fulfill those expectations. Pay it forward. Remember the kindness and love that was shown to me and do the same for others.

Life is good y’all… really good.

So I guess after all this… the wrap up thought is this. Live your life today and don’t be afraid to fail. Take that chance. Make that move. Don’t hold onto something that isn’t bringing joy just because it’s better than nothing. Reach for joy. You might not get it…

But then again you might.

Thoughts on a Saturday…

Sitting in my big chair in the Sunroom, looking at Lake Hollingsworth, while I drink my first cup of Coffee in my home. It still doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like a place I should want to be but I don’t.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. So much to consider.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

And right now… for this moment in time… I’m just going to be.

Just be.

Me.

At home.

Here.

Now.

Be.

Flipping the script on happy

So you know how sometimes you think you know exactly what your happy should look like? You think that your bliss has to be x and y and z or it’s not really bliss? You are sure that your “perfect” is something that looks like this or that or it’s not your perfect?

Yeah? You know?

Nope… you don’t. Continue reading

Keeping on…

So here we are, it’s 2018, everything is the same and yet nothing will ever be the same again.

Thanks karma.

Life changed a lot at the end of 2017, but 2018 is looking like a real year of change for me, for us, and I’m ready. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve gotten tougher than I ever thought I would be, and I’ve taken charge of my life and started moving forward in a big way.

This is my life.

I read this meme the other day that said “Sometimes the best light comes from a burning bridge.” and I literally laughed until I cried. I’ve burned a few of those. I’ve marched some people off of my bridge at rifle point. I’ve closed some books. Swiped left on people who desperately needed a much more harsh rejection. And still I persist.

I am alive.

So I’m embracing the new. Figuring out the unknown. Finding my big words and telling my story. I’m still happy. Despite the changes… or maybe because of them… and I’m still me.

Let’s do this. Let’s live. Let’s be.

Just be.

The One about Thanksgiving…

So yeah, it’s Thanksgiving… and even though it might be the oddest Thanksgiving in years I’ve already been celebrating the thankfulness this week and I intend to continue doing exactly that every day. Thankful shouldn’t be something we only try on once a year you see… no matter how hard things are, no matter how wrong things have gone, no matter what’s happening… there is always always always something to be thankful for.

Always. Continue reading

The most adulty Adult in the room?

Oh hell… if that was a question and the answer included my name at all then the quick answer is probably not and the reality is definitely not. Adulting is something I struggle with actually, even at my advanced age. Even with all of the accoutrements of adulthood wrapped around me and draped from me. I still struggle daily to not to end up in a blanket fort, coloring, and playing on my phone.

I am the oldest 13 year old you know.

But these days I’m starting to see some alarming signs of adulting slipping into my routine. And I am afraid. Very afraid. Because I’m still not entirely sure that I’m ready to be a grown up. An adult. In charge. But apparently I am.

Who saw that shit coming? Right?

But yeah, every time I get the trash to the curb the night before the garbage men come, every time I wash/dry/fold/put away my laundry all in the same day, every time I clean the entire house in 3 hours, every morning when I make my bed and put away all of my shoes and jewelry, and every time I check my budget and pay all of the bills on time I realize I have become something I have never been before.

A real grownup woman.

And again I get scared. Very scared. Because I don’t really want to grow up. I never really did. Growing up means you get closer to dying and my plan is to live forever. Even if I’m living forever in my blanket fort, watching “Stranger Things”, and coloring on my Starbucks cups. Even if I’m keeping my seat at the kids table, pretending I can’t hear the adults talking, and grumbling about eating all of my vegetables even if these days I’m actually liking them.

I always was a weird kid. #nothingchanges

But despite my fears and despite my reluctance, I’m approaching adulthood whether I like it or not. And I’m figuring out that I’m pretty good at it. Even if I’m not sure how to do all of the parts of it yet. I’m trying. I’m figuring out that I’m stronger than I thought. I’m figuring out that I can do this.

I can.

So watch out y’all… I’m growing up. Not all at once… because I still haven’t figured out when the second garbage day is each week. But I’m getting a lot better at this. I might turn 21 some year soon… and then?

Get out of my way! #livingmylife #nolimits

Finding joy in everything…

Buy the shoes.jpeg

So as I’ve alluded on here a couple of times, things have been a bit stressful and chaotic in my life recently. The happy base is good… no worries there… but there’s been a lot of things happening outside of my bubble that have been causing me quite a bit of sadness and stress.

You know… lots of life coming at me at 200 mph… it’s my own special torture… don’t try this at home kids.

Continue reading