Love & Life

The one where I carry on about getting older…

 

So this year… already this year is trying me. Pushing hard. Even though I’m in a good place professionally… personally it’s already been a bit of a struggle. We lost two people yesterday… one who is a dear friend who lost his too-short battle with Thyroid cancer and the other is my first cousin Eli who passed from complications due to gastric bypass surgery.

The idea that you can lose your life while trying to live longer is more than my mind can handle today… frankly. And the idea that you can fight as hard as you have the ability to do so and even the best of medical science is imperfect and you can still lose your fight… that’s another thing I’m also struggling with today. But both of those things are fodder for another day. Today… today I’m dealing with one of the worst parts of growing older… ending up alone.

I actually wrote this post in my head on Saturday when I was out running errands… as we knew our friend was losing his battle with the big C. Truly had no idea that my cousin was in the process of dying. What a weekend?! #amIright?

(Cancer… BTW… is a twat waffle… of the highest order… and I don’t wish it on the worst enemy I might ever have in my life. But again… I digress.)

(Also, because sometimes we turn into variations on the olde European peasants that we are descended from, imagine the humor of us doing people inventory to try to determine who the 3d death will be… because you know they always travel in threes. Yeah… Sunday night was a veritable party up in here!)

Anyway, given that this year I will turn 59, and this year (like last year, and it’s sibling the year before) I’m dealing with the multitude of things that go along with being nearly 60 years old, growing older is something that is pretty much in my head a lot these days. I’m not handling it well at all honestly… even if I’m being relatively quiet about it most of the time. And yes, given how I opened this post, I’m very well aware that I’m still enjoying the benefit of being alive and growing older… and that’s a damned gift that at least two more people in my life will not get. However, the fact that both are gone, in a relative instant, and we’re left behind without them is the point of this post. (See! I told you there was a point to this… I know you were starting to doubt that… told’ja so!)

I think that being left behind is probably the worst part of growing old. You lose everyone as you move forward. One at a time. They leave you here to remember them, to cry for them, and to cry for yourself because you end up alone if you’re lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on how you see it) to live a long life. I guess that’s why I’m glad that my circle is varied in age groups… at least I have a marginal chance of keeping one or two of them with me as I move forward into my senior years. Maybe? Not sure… I tend to know people who seem to have a deathwish at times… so put down the damned cigarettes Caren, Charlie & Alex… NOW!

Anyway… I remember my Mom’s Sister, Shash Anne, saying something along these lines to me before she left to join that incredible party upstairs in 2021. She said that the hardest part is being left behind… and having no one left to talk to who remembered the many things she still treasured in her memories. The silence… the spaces… the shapes you still see that are empty to everyone else around you. She still saw them… but everyone else in those spaces was gone.

Unimaginable. Or it used to be. Until now… until it starts sinking in that those days are rapidly approaching. That I will be there in not so many years… if I’m lucky (unlucky) enough to be left behind. Turning 60 next year. Who saw that shit coming? Who knew I’d manage to grow this old and still not grow up? Outliving a husband, surviving a marriage that should have been a good friendship, seeing a child grow into an amazing, funny, brilliant son, enjoying a sister that I find daily I would be lost without, and finding my erstwhile soulmate who is likely the most aggravating, annoying, and yet loving and caring man I could imagine at a point in my life when I figured that ship had sailed without me on it. These are the things I am carrying… these are the things I cannot imagine living without. And yet, there are no guarantees.

So today’s lesson? Live. Live loudly. Live hard. Wear your life out. Don’t hesitate. Just live. And if you’re lucky (unlucky) enough to outlive all of your circle, hold onto your life and tell everyone around you how there was once a place called your life and you’re still living it. Build a new circle and tell them about the old one… then have them help you keep those flames alive. Create rituals and reminders, build them into your routines, and don’t ever forget unless you don’t get a choice on that one. Live your life as loudly and as long as you can. Say I love you every time you get the chance. And don’t ever fully grow up.

Turning 60… sure beats the alternative… but damn… I’m pretty sure nobody ever pictured it like this.

Alone.

On Tuesdays and Turmoil and such

Okay Tuesday, you just need to back this ish up right now. First we had the sneaky coffee swap at Dunkin where I ended up with a large black coffee instead of the Cappuccino I actually ordered. Of course I blame Covid because that’s why my Starbucks was not open so I could get my usual there. Then I get to the office and my door app shows no access points available and when I logged in to the system my Accesspoint there is also dead. No… despite every sign pointing that way, I am not out the door. Job is fine. I’m just playing an elaborate game of “New Phone Who Dis”, on a scale I’m sure you never imagined.

So yeah… you’re overachieving on a huge scale. Quit it. Now.

And I would say thank god it’s my Friday… but that’s not entirely the case. The thank god part anyway… it is actually my Friday, but nothing fun is planned for these days off. Wednesday is already locked and loaded and the real fun starts tomorrow morning at Advent Heart of Florida when someone is getting a second shiny new hip in a year and the role of Nurse Ratchet is being played by… you guessed it, me.

Yay.

Have I mentioned that Himself is the worst patient ever? I’m actually a distant second and I’m pretty horrible. He makes me look like a saint. Stubborn, irascible, grouchy… bears with sore heads are more friendly… truly. There are times when only that smile and the sparkle in his eyes when he looks at me keeps him alive.

Plus I look horrible in orange. There’s that too.

But even with all of that I’m still in a relatively okay mood… maybe a new phone did that? Probably not. I don’t get excited over those anymore. But things are pretty good… all of the first world problems notwithstanding.

Life is good.

Be happy… it’s your choice… now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find some decent damned coffee. Dunkin Donuts I’m looking right at you…

And the world keeps spinning…

So hi! It’s been a while I guess. Not sure where to even start if I were going to write a catch-up post… so yeah, suffice to say that things. have. changed.

All of the things.

So I’ll make an attempt to give the less than 3 day version of that catchup. I’m back in Lakeland, back in my home on Belmar, my contract job is now my full-time dream job and I am a permanent employee with benefits and such for the first time since 2015. The divorce is officially a thing… albeit a very slothlike thing… and with any luck we may be divorced sometime before we both die.

Cue the eyeroll and side eye…

No, I’m not kidding… that’s how these things work when lawyers are running them. It’s a process, that we don’t control, and nobody appears to be in a hurry so we’re moving at the speed of turtles, running in molasses, and that’s apparently okay. So we keep doing our separated thing and trying to be supportive of each other’s individual happiness. We’re not acrimonious. But we put others in charge and we don’t have an agreement so we’re stuck.

It is what it is.

I came back home to Lakeland in September and I think I came home a little bit changed. Punta Gorda was good for me I think. I got in touch with myself a lot more, had some adventures, learned a lot about what I don’t want from people, situations, and relationships, and then I came home when it was time. Now I am happier, more centered, and less lost than I’ve been in years.

I know… what fun is that?

I’ve found peace. I’ve found different sides of me that I didn’t know I had. I’m still evolving and changing. I like me… even if I surprise myself every day in some small way. I’ve gone through some very hard things this last year, things that have made me step back from my life and re-evaluate who I allow to be in my life in a personal role. I’ve learned that I’m far more accepting of others and their choices than I ever was before. And I’ve realized that I really do miss being able to talk to my Mom because I understand her and her choices today far more than I did when she was making them and I was so very harsh and condemning.

I’m sorry Mom… I love you and miss you every day… and I still wish I could have another conversation with you. Perhaps one day… perhaps…

So yeah… that’s life in a thumbnail sketch these days… full, happy, secure, and honestly blessed. I am focused on the future and no longer trying to go back to the past. I have the tightest circle and they’ve helped me through some awful shit the past months. I know who loves me. I know who values me. And I know who has my six. They’ve had it through things I didn’t ever imagine would happen. They happened. Things went to hell. Or my version of hell. And my circle brought me back.

Thanks for saving me. There aren’t enough words to thank you so I’ll just say this. I love you. Forever.

I’m focused on giving back these days. Making this place I love a better place. I know that as bad as things were for me there’s a lot of people who would love to have my life. There are many people who look at me with envy. To those who much is given much is expected. And that’s my focus. To fulfill those expectations. Pay it forward. Remember the kindness and love that was shown to me and do the same for others.

Life is good y’all… really good.

So I guess after all this… the wrap up thought is this. Live your life today and don’t be afraid to fail. Take that chance. Make that move. Don’t hold onto something that isn’t bringing joy just because it’s better than nothing. Reach for joy. You might not get it…

But then again you might.

Thoughts on a Saturday…

Sitting in my big chair in the Sunroom, looking at Lake Hollingsworth, while I drink my first cup of Coffee in my home. It still doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like a place I should want to be but I don’t.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. So much to consider.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

And right now… for this moment in time… I’m just going to be.

Just be.

Me.

At home.

Here.

Now.

Be.

Flipping the script on happy

So you know how sometimes you think you know exactly what your happy should look like? You think that your bliss has to be x and y and z or it’s not really bliss? You are sure that your “perfect” is something that looks like this or that or it’s not your perfect?

Yeah? You know?

Nope… you don’t. Continue reading →

Keeping on…

So here we are, it’s 2018, everything is the same and yet nothing will ever be the same again.

Thanks karma.

Life changed a lot at the end of 2017, but 2018 is looking like a real year of change for me, for us, and I’m ready. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve gotten tougher than I ever thought I would be, and I’ve taken charge of my life and started moving forward in a big way.

This is my life.

I read this meme the other day that said “Sometimes the best light comes from a burning bridge.” and I literally laughed until I cried. I’ve burned a few of those. I’ve marched some people off of my bridge at rifle point. I’ve closed some books. Swiped left on people who desperately needed a much more harsh rejection. And still I persist.

I am alive.

So I’m embracing the new. Figuring out the unknown. Finding my big words and telling my story. I’m still happy. Despite the changes… or maybe because of them… and I’m still me.

Let’s do this. Let’s live. Let’s be.

Just be.

The One about Thanksgiving…

So yeah, it’s Thanksgiving… and even though it might be the oddest Thanksgiving in years I’ve already been celebrating the thankfulness this week and I intend to continue doing exactly that every day. Thankful shouldn’t be something we only try on once a year you see… no matter how hard things are, no matter how wrong things have gone, no matter what’s happening… there is always always always something to be thankful for.

Always. Continue reading →