Sitting in my big chair in the Sunroom, looking at Lake Hollingsworth, while I drink my first cup of Coffee in my home. It still doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like a place I should want to be but I don’t.
So many thoughts. So many feelings. So much to consider.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
And right now… for this moment in time… I’m just going to be.
Just be.
Me.
At home.
Here.
Now.
Be.
So you know how sometimes you think you know exactly what your happy should look like? You think that your bliss has to be x and y and z or it’s not really bliss? You are sure that your “perfect” is something that looks like this or that or it’s not your perfect?
Yeah? You know?
Nope… you don’t. Continue reading
So here we are, it’s 2018, everything is the same and yet nothing will ever be the same again.
Thanks karma.
Life changed a lot at the end of 2017, but 2018 is looking like a real year of change for me, for us, and I’m ready. I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, I’ve gotten tougher than I ever thought I would be, and I’ve taken charge of my life and started moving forward in a big way.
This is my life.
I read this meme the other day that said “Sometimes the best light comes from a burning bridge.” and I literally laughed until I cried. I’ve burned a few of those. I’ve marched some people off of my bridge at rifle point. I’ve closed some books. Swiped left on people who desperately needed a much more harsh rejection. And still I persist.
I am alive.
So I’m embracing the new. Figuring out the unknown. Finding my big words and telling my story. I’m still happy. Despite the changes… or maybe because of them… and I’m still me.
Let’s do this. Let’s live. Let’s be.
Just be.
Oh hell… if that was a question and the answer included my name at all then the quick answer is probably not and the reality is definitely not. Adulting is something I struggle with actually, even at my advanced age. Even with all of the accoutrements of adulthood wrapped around me and draped from me. I still struggle daily to not to end up in a blanket fort, coloring, and playing on my phone.
I am the oldest 13 year old you know.
But these days I’m starting to see some alarming signs of adulting slipping into my routine. And I am afraid. Very afraid. Because I’m still not entirely sure that I’m ready to be a grown up. An adult. In charge. But apparently I am.
Who saw that shit coming? Right?
But yeah, every time I get the trash to the curb the night before the garbage men come, every time I wash/dry/fold/put away my laundry all in the same day, every time I clean the entire house in 3 hours, every morning when I make my bed and put away all of my shoes and jewelry, and every time I check my budget and pay all of the bills on time I realize I have become something I have never been before.
A real grownup woman.
And again I get scared. Very scared. Because I don’t really want to grow up. I never really did. Growing up means you get closer to dying and my plan is to live forever. Even if I’m living forever in my blanket fort, watching “Stranger Things”, and coloring on my Starbucks cups. Even if I’m keeping my seat at the kids table, pretending I can’t hear the adults talking, and grumbling about eating all of my vegetables even if these days I’m actually liking them.
I always was a weird kid. #nothingchanges
But despite my fears and despite my reluctance, I’m approaching adulthood whether I like it or not. And I’m figuring out that I’m pretty good at it. Even if I’m not sure how to do all of the parts of it yet. I’m trying. I’m figuring out that I’m stronger than I thought. I’m figuring out that I can do this.
I can.
So watch out y’all… I’m growing up. Not all at once… because I still haven’t figured out when the second garbage day is each week. But I’m getting a lot better at this. I might turn 21 some year soon… and then?
Get out of my way! #livingmylife #nolimits
Yes… yes I am… I hadn’t really wrapped my mind around that part of reality but I am. This weekend after I spent three days showing off my new world that realization finally sunk in.
I am simply ridiculously happy.
And that led me to recognize that this was the best choice I could have made for me. My life has changed dramatically. I miss my village up the road fierce. But I now know that no matter what the future brings this decision will never be something I regret.
Never!
And once again I am reminded that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I took this shot. I had a 50/50 shot at the outcome. I scored.
And I am happy.
So it’s been a long week, there’s been some mishaps, but this morning I woke up and it’s Thursday.
The best Thursday ever.
Today, after all, is payday, I see the weekend peeking around the corner, and it’s a Holiday weekend, and and and…
So hi there best Thursday! I for one might be the happiest girl in the world to see you in the history of ever.
The. Happiest.
Yay!!!!!
Is it cliche to say I’ve missed writing on here? Is it ridiculous? Is it a lie? Maybe all three… and yet here I am… pecking away. So much to share but I’m not really ready for that right now. There’s a lot on my plate, a lot on my mind, and a lot in my way… there, that’s all you need to know.
Yes, really. No I won’t change my mind.
But still I’ve been craving some creating… because these days I just feel stifled. Almost like I’m constipated… but not really… but really. And you’re welcome for that overshare… but honestly that’s the best description. Like I’m sort of marking time or walking in place which is exactly the opposite of fun for me.
I know… it’s challenging reading me when I’m like this. #sorrynotsorry
But at least I finally said something… even if it’s not much. At least I finally started typing again. At least there’s that. And very soon I’ll start talking again. I promise. There really is a lot to say. I promise. Even if it’s only entertaining to me.
I really do want to say it. I promise.
Maybe.
So this morning I started planning our big yearly entertaining event – the 2017 New Years Brunch. So far I’ve created a Facebook event, built a guest list, started adding to the Pinterest board, built a planning spreadsheet… you know, the usual things when you’re entertaining in 2016? Yeah, all of those.
Side note, how did we do this before social media? Wait, what? You don’t do it that way? Whatevs… Paper invites? Spiral notebook lists? In a word… #nope!
And with this step I’m making the decision that come what may with the search for work I’m still here and this is where my life is happening. It’s time to make some plans farther out than tomorrow. Life goes on. And if something happens that pulls me out of here then guess what? I know how to fly home. I’m pretty damned good at buying plane tickets in fact and I can get here pretty fast. So everything else be damned… the holidays will be as I wish. Thanksgiving in North Carolina, Christmas and New Years here. Festive, fun, surrounded by people I love in the places I love, with everything I love included.
I guess the message I’ve been getting from the voices in my head is “live your life”. Out loud. With no need for any forgiveness or permission. These are most assuredly interesting times indeed but putting everything on hold in order to wait for other people to decide things just isn’t working for me anymore. It’s time for me to just do it. Just live.
Today… and tomorrow… and beyond.
Yeah… again… like that’s not something brand-new and shiny for me… right? But yeah, since apparently self-hosted blogs get deleted if you don’t update the credit card info… ten years of my writing, erased in one button push. I know, seriously? WTOH? And we’ve been told the interwebs are forever… that’s a lie from the pit of hell kids, just so we’re clear. So I’m heartbroken, so much content gone, so much of me deleted.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
But I can rebuild, I can still write, I still know the engrishes. But I’m still mad. Really mad. Like unreasonably, ridiculously, irrationally angry AF. At me, at Bluehost, and pretty much the interweb too. Stay out of the way… this could end up getting ugly.
Just sayin.
Update: Thanks to the wizardry of my good friend Chuck Welch I’ve been directed to a source for at least a good chunk of my old posts. It’s tedious work copying and pasting the old stuff but I am rebuilding, slowly but surely. You’ll see more and more content continue to show back up over the next days/weeks/months as I continue recreating my past. Thanks again Chuck! You’re a lifesaver!
The House of Flying Monkeys... 