Careful what you wish for…

for you shall surely get it… or something like that.  And with that, all I can add is wow! Just wow… because really there just aren’t any other words that apply.

Seriously… Continue reading

But it came with a lifetime guarantee…

whatever the hell that is anyway.

So yeah… I’m thinking about permanence these days… or the impermanence of permanence… or something like that. Because every time I read that something comes with a “lifetime guarantee” my first thought is “whose lifetime are we talking about here?” No really… that’s always what I think… not even kidding. Because if we’re talking my lifetime that’s a lot less time than I’d like to think it’s going to be… brutal reality is that I’m on the downhill side of the slope and if I can get another 30 decent years I’ll actually be damned lucky. But if we’re talking someone like, oh, I don’t know, maybe my son or my daughter? Well now we’re talking getting something of value. At 25 and 30 they’re going to get some serious value out of that whole “lifetime guarantee” stuff.

Damn it to hell.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, cursing my age again… it happens pretty frequently these days… sorry… birthday Tourettes I guess. But yeah, I’m not even sure anyone believes that whole thing about “lifetime guarantee” anymore, nobody under the age of 40 anyway. Everything is disposable… and I mean everything.

Don’t believe me? When was the last time you saw a TV Repair Shop? Or any kind of small appliance repair shop of any kind for that matter? Yep… everything is disposable.

And that’s why I’m ruminating on that phrase… because I don’t believe anything is forever anymore. Life is teaching me that the hard way these days and I’m finally starting to get okay with it. Life moves in seasons and in phases… some days you like something like carrots and then suddenly you wake up one day and figure out that you don’t… and maybe you never did… maybe you just thought you did.

Maybe not.

So you move to another vegetable and you hope for the best, understanding that there’s lots of vegetables in the world and variety is a good thing to have in your life. But what if you ran out of vegetables…

What if?

Some of you… not naming any names or anything… might rejoice. Until you realize that you have just managed to limit your options for foods by more than half and now you’re going to be eating a pretty boring plate. That’s the thing with moving on… if you aren’t careful you eliminate options… take things off the table… but you also need to add things back in if you’re going to continue to learn and grow and develop. Options are good… they make us think and consider… they make us adapt… they make us flexible. Conversely removing options, eliminating them, reducing yourself to a very few of them makes your viewpoint limited, constricts your world, and puts you into a box that you can’t easily escape.

Not even if you gnaw your foot off or some such nonsense.

I’m seriously in the camp of nothing lasting forever and I still choose to see that as a good thing. Regardless of what that moron who built the Noah’s Ark Museum in Kentucky believes we are all evolving. Every day. And we’re changing… whether we know it or see it… and sometimes this means that what was meant to be a lifetime may not actually turn out to be that long. Or sometimes it means that we live multiple lifetimes in the space of one life… and we have to let things come and go… like the tide washing in and out… and allow ourselves to both mourn the losses and look forward to the arrivals… because if we’re doing this right then something new is always coming to replace the old.

Always.

And once you adjust your expectations, once you let go of what you think should happen and accept what is happening, then you can find the freedom to live this moment, the way it lands in front of you, with no guarantees or promises… because that’s life. Maybe it’s not what you wanted… but it really doesn’t care about what you want. Maybe you can hold onto it with a stranglehold and try to get a few more years from it. Maybe.

And maybe not. Because there’s no guarantee.

 

Everything is in the timing…

So I know all of you… including the 3 that never gave up on me… have just collectively fallen over in a faint over the fact that there’s been new content here for several consecutive days. Continue reading

And right on time… AARRRGHHH!

On being woke…

The Old Age Chronicles – Part Fifty Three

Yeah, I know, what the original hell is up with that? Another damned birthday… and I’m just as happy about it as I’ve been about all of them since 49…

(she’s lying)

And before you make me eyeroll you, yes I know there’s lots of people who are not getting to celebrate birthdays anymore. Yes, I’m well aware that any year above ground is automatically a pretty good one (or so “they” say). And yes, I understand fully that my record for surviving these things is currently at 100% so why would it change?

Why indeed?

Well there’s a plethora of reasons for that… but I’m treating that exactly like I do the low tire pressure warning light in my car – put a Post It note over it and just keep driving. But to be clear… I do not have to be happy about the low tire warning… nor do I have to be happy about another damned birthday that reminds me once again that I am getting older.

Wait? Wut? Did that guy in the back say I’m already old? You sir (to quote one of Bob’s old girlfriends) are a charlatan and a trickster… kindly move along to the next blog or I shall report you to the authorities.

Now where was I? Since I’m developing the skill of forgetting what I’m working on whilst I’m working on it… not really… okay maybe a little. Anyway… blah blah blah… getting older… another birthday… woe is me… that’s basically it. So I hope someone does something with a cake… buttercream may be the only thing that makes this reality tolerable. And I hope someone does something with a nice drink or 12 so I might be able to block the happy joy funtime that my 53d birthday is likely to bring. And finally I hope I live long enough to halfassed celebrate another one of these damned things.

Yes… really… no… not kidding.

After all, with 2017 going the way it has so far it’s looking like 53 is going to be a pretty entertaining “year in the life”… and that means 54 has a tough act to follow… somebody better hold it’s beer… the possibilities are practically endless! And yes, in case you just missed that change in tone, despite my grumbling and carrying on I’m actually pretty glad to still be around to “celebrate” these damned things. Do I wish it was my 33d? Of course. But only if I can take everything I’ve so painfully learned over the last 20 years with me. Sorry but if I had to live through that many near-death experiences and ridiculous plot twists I’m not giving up the life lessons. And let’s all just admit that I’ve had some pretty damned entertaining lessons over this life.

Hahahahahahahahaha… yeah, right… er, whatevs…

So anyway… I guess it’s time to embrace this tar baby and make it mine. I’m not getting any younger after all. My first gray hairs given to me by year 52 is a testimony to that reality. Thanks Obama… and the calendar… and everyone else who deserves blame for the fact that I have to celebrate something so very sad… the passing of my youth.

RIP Youth

And sometime around June 11th I hope there’s someone out there who will help make this thing a bit less onerous or at least amusing. So let’s have a drink and maybe a laugh about how ridiculous getting older actually is. You do you… I plan to continue twerking my way into this decade and your friendship and forebearance are both very much appreciated.

Here goes nothing…

 

Where do we go from here…

So it seems nothing has changed in our lives… except for all of the changes. I look back over almost 3 years and I can see ground zero very clearly. But honestly there were signs before that milestone that bespoke of a new reality. We knew there were things going on with life as we knew it but we had no idea the depth charge that was already armed and falling toward us.

It finally blew in December of 2014 and nothing has been the same since then.

Today, yes, things are very different. Where we used to live as a couple, today we live in two separate states. Where we used to share everything, today we text and talk on the phone but we only see each other every three or four months. One of us lives completely alone, the other lives with a shadow of someone he loves very much but who isn’t entirely there anymore. It’s hard kids. Very hard indeed. And we’re trying to figure out our path whilst doing what we have to in order to move forward with life.

This is not as easy as it looks.

And while we look okay and we seem like we’re handling all of this… most of the time we’re not. We’re married but we don’t have a partner nor a real marriage. So we’re trying to figure it out. We care a lot for each other… a very big lot… and we both want to be happy but we’re not sure what that looks like anymore. There’s complications. There’s challenges.

There’s a lot of stuff.

So bear with us both. We’re figuring this out. Our reality has changed both of us. While we tried to adapt to it. Like trying to reason with hurricane season. Short answer… you can’t. Life goes on… but what it looks like in the future isn’t clear. We’re still trying but we both need to draw a map forward. So be patient with us. This is hard. Being friends. Loving each other. Wanting what’s best for ourselves and for each other. And we don’t have any idea what that is or isn’t. So we’re making it up as we go.

Life isn’t always easy… and being honest is very painful. We go on though… we always go on.

Always.